...

Orbit

2012-02-01T18:44:00.003+08:00

Sebaik kereta yang aku pandu melepasi gate pengawal yang menahan aku daripada masuk semalam, degupan jantung aku kembali kepada normal. Ada beberapa perkara yang buatkan aku paranoid dalam dunia ni salah satunya, pak guard. Tak kira sekolah, Universiti mahupun pagar rumah. They have this "hei gua guard, look" atau "hei gua dah jadi polis" something like that.

Ironically, that guard smiled and I smiled back and it was 6.30am, that I had to send my sister to School. Last night when he stopped me by the gate he was asking questions yang betul-betul boleh buat kau rasa annoyed. Pukul 10 malam, dan masih particular tentang lampu kereta dan bla bla bla.. I was fetching my sister from her tution, so dia juga perasan pengawal atau 'provos' tadi was the same guy.

"That was the same guy kan Kak? the one who was being annoying last night?"

"Yup"

I just hate to drag a conversation in the morning, I can't hardly open my eyes. It was 6.30am! and I was never a morning person.

But again, the guard's smile was still in my head, I felt terrible for him to work on a night shift that he had to work till morning, he must be really exhausted.

"Kakak, can you please drive a bit faster. Need to be there before 7.20!"

I drove till we came across a flyover. That flyover was the first in Kuantan, and it had just opened less than a month for public. My sister was memekak-ing besides me, as if we were late. It was drizzling. Many cars were speeding, aku berkira-kira mungkin mereka lambat ke kerja.

Dan dalam sekelip mata itu, aku menekan break kereta sekuat hati.

"Ya Allah, kakak! Kena ke?" dan aku tahu disaat itu, dia juga paranoid dan there's no such words yang boleh define how scared she was. How scared I was.

Lelaki berseluar biru tadi mati. Mati sekelip mata. Mati..

Sebaik aku turun dari flyover baru tadi, sebuah motosikal memotong aku dari belakang dan mencelah masuk, he didn't gave any signal that he went to the right and because he was fast, dan jalan was slippery, he fell. And he was hit by a car from behind.

I stopped, dengan keadaan ketakutan dan degupan jantung yang lebih laju dari berjumpa pengawal tadi, aku memberanikan diri. No, I was not being brave. I didn't know what to do, but it was right in front of me. I had to stop. But I stayed in the car.

"Kakak, what are we going to do? call ambulance lah kak"

"I don't know, tunggu sekejap lagi."

Ramai yang berhenti, we were there about 30minutes. I couldn't drive. I was a bit traumatized. People were all over the body, they covered him with papers. And the ambulance came.

I drove my sister to school, dan dalam perjalanan, we didn't speak.

Silence. Kedengaran lagu Fergie "Big girls don't cry" memecah kesunyian.

As I was picking my sister from school at 3 tadi, we didn't spoke about what happened pagi tadi.

I had to stop at the gas station,

"Kakak turn over! Let's isi minyak somewhere else please"

"why?" tanyaku.

"Look" sambil menunjuk ke arah seorang lelaki yang sedang bersilat di tengah panas.

He wasn't wearing any shirt. His hair was long and seluar yang hampir londeh.

"we're living in madness" Let's just go home.

Dan aku memandu pulang terus ke rumah.

Life is too short to argue and being desperate.

Anonymous

2012-01-28T14:45:00.001+08:00

"really draws a smile on my face"

Starting all over.

2012-01-26T15:24:00.002+08:00

It was a question I heard more than once, after my last post I published saying goodbye to the old Duniakita or sarahstea and ... "What are you going to write next, Sarah? After everything is over, what?"

I answered then that I didn't have to write anything next, not a word, and that all my last entries together said everything that I asked them to say. Having starved for a while, catching up with my papers, exams those kind of stuffs, it was fun not to have to work to midnights.

Still, everyday during this semester break I drove almost 23km from my house in Kuantan to the Beach just to get things back on track again. To learn to start all over, and I began to feel an old tension again. There was something left to say, and I haven't said it.

The thing is I enjoy writing. Very much. I've been eager to write anything, and there's like thousands of thing came bombarding my mind and forcing me to get back and write and a great dynamite-burst of flying glass and brick and splinters through the front wall and somebody stalks over the rubble, seizes me by the throat and gently says, "I will not let you go until you set me, in words" That's how I start to write back, starting with this post.

What if somebody came along who was really good at this, who could teach me how my world works and how to control it? What if I could meet a super-advance.. What if a person came from the past to our time, with power over the illusions of the world because he knew the reality behind them? and what if I could meet him in person? what would he say? what would he be like?

and perhaps there are no coincidence in life. And perhaps there's something about you that you came here to remember.

End.

2011-12-13T23:13:00.003+08:00

I've always enjoy writing. Sometimes words are easily expressed when you write.

It gives me the satisfaction bila what you picture in mind dapat di interpret dengan tepat pada si pembaca.

It feels great, when you have people who support your imaginations and creations. For the past 3 years, this is where I share mostly everything.

But setiap permulaan pasti ada pengakhiran, thanks for the support, thanks for reading.

This will be my last entry and this blog will soon be deleted.

Terima kasih kepada semua yang sudi membaca.

Sarah Mohammad.

Ara.

2011-12-07T18:40:00.005+08:00

I came across a note one day saying that "If you are single, God save someone special for you" well I think it sounded like that or maybe not, I don't know. Yes, memang tak dinafikan the fear of being alone or left out tak pernah hilang in every each 'single' person alive. Sometimes you want to be pampered, you want attention, you want to fight, you want the feeling what other couples do.

You want to be in a picture smiling with someone special and tell the world that you're in love.

You want to be alive.

Kata lelaki dihadapan aku, yang sedari tadi memandang screen besar di kedai mamak, matanya tidak berkelip melihat perlawanan liverpool sambil menghirup teh tarik panas yang masih berasap.

Ya, untuk rasa nikmat hidup, untuk berkongsi with someone you chose and with the person who chose you too. Aku masih dalam keadaan selesa untuk hidup sendiri. I prefer living by myself and feel happy rather than being with someone who I chose, but after awhile, I don't feel the chemistry anymore.

Dulu, aku pernah tanya diri aku, how can you leave someone when you are with him quite sometime, and you know his weaknesses and every part of him either physically or mentally. How can love jumps and move and be removed?

But now, I know I was wrong. Love isn't certain like what you see in the movies. Even in the movies they manipulate love and feelings. Sometimes, your feelings can play with your mind. You thought that everything would be like what you've planned. But after a while, when you get to know your partner so long, you start to think, "is this the guy you are going to live with the rest of your life"

Last night, aku menerima message dari lelaki di kedai mamak tadi,

you said you want a guy yang stable and can guide you. How do you know that guy can become your imam if you don't give him a chance? You're trapped in your past shadows..

I used to be a person who knows what I want, even in a relationship. But human make mistakes, they all do, they have the capability to make an option. to choose. They also have the power to take risks. And the option to leave. Even how good your partner is towards you, how wonderful you think he is, love is never certain, and as time goes by you'll realize that this person is just not the one. But you've tried.

There's always a story behind another one. It's better if you read both sides rather than making your own conclusion or assuming who's wrong or right. Things happen for a reason. Its not fair forcing yourself to love someone, hanya semata menjaga hati.

Sometimes you think you've planned well, but God always had a better plan for you. And his plan is always the best.

"what's the most important criteria for a guy to win your heart? give me one quality" tanya lelaki dihadapan aku yang masih menumpu pada screen.

"The guy who can make me fall in love again"

I hope I've answered your question. Dan ia tidak adil untuk menilai dan menghukum, hanya kerana penulisannya terhenti. Maaf jika tulisan ini juga mengganggu saudari.

Roh-roh kecil.

2011-11-29T08:37:00.002+08:00

Sejak akhir-akhir ini, aku sering memikirkan tentang hal-hal kerja yang tak putus datang. Ia memenatkan, melelahkan bukan sahaja jantung tapi jika diberi pilihan antara kepala dan jantung, aku memilih untuk lelahan itu di jantung. I have no idea what I've just said. But this time around, inilah dugaan paling besar dan untuk seorang yang bencikan commitment dan tanggungjawab, ini merupakan masa yang aku harus menggabungkan kedua-dua elemen tadi untuk menyiapkan segala tugasan dan tanggungjawab yang diberi.

As a person who can't stop from thinking things yang nonsense, for the first time too my mind stopped from thinking. I feel really stupid at one point. Because one and only thing I can think of is my work. Dan untuk mendengarkan kata-kata manusia yang cetek akal assuming that masscomm students don't work that much but looking for entertainment, membuatkan lelahan tadi bertukar ibarat Jacoob bertukar kepada warewolf when he's mad. Bad example, I know but there's no exact words can express how tired I am with everything.

Humans have their limits, and I think what I'm experiencing now is over wayy over my limits. And sadly, I couldn't express it well both in words or written. I don't write that much anymore because I just can't think of anything. And when I started to talk about it, I paused and forgot what I'm suppossed to say. But I feel. The feeling of depressing.

Depress is another thing like hysteria. Orang kata Histeria berjangkit, once a person terkena, pasti orang-orang lain yang lihat atau mendengar yang lemah semangat akan automatik menjerit melolong dan bertukar karakter yang bukan seperti diri mereka but something different. Something yang menakutkan. Tak kurang seperti seorang yang depress, tekanan jiwa. Yang boleh membuatkan dirinya gila dan orang-orang yang mendengar luahannya itu immediately akan put themselves in that exact situation and become as crazy as the depress person. Dan mula memikirkan perkara-perkara depressive.

However, the feeling kills you. Either slowly atau cepat itu belakang kira, but it kills. Especially when you couldn't let it go, you don't sleep, you can't afford to cry. Even if you try hard, but your tears just won't come out. Kering kontang bak kemarau dalam mata. How's that? I don't know go figure, but Yes it hurts. And writting it all down still won't ease the pain and hectic-ness.

At one point, somehow.. I just wish to be a blonde bimbo who don't care about anything but herself and get broken heart when she got dumped by her boyfriend. See how pathetic my mind is right now.

Believe me, the universe is even smaller compared to what I have in mind. And its not good.

Deria 3

2011-11-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

How does it feel to be in love?

Hey.

2011-11-12T23:40:00.003+08:00

I was borned a Taurus. May 9th, on the same day as J.M Barrie, the man who imagined and created Neverland from Peterpan. I never believe in horoscopes.

Syirik

Tapi disebabkan satu hari, aku didatangi seorang pelawat yang tak pernah aku kenal ketika sedang bergelut dengan nyawa di hospital. He came and flip the page of Malay Mail. Katanya, "Malay mail surat khabar yang dapat liputan terkini and plus, it's free" dan disebabkan waktu itu aku sedang bertarung nyawa, maka aku meng-iyakan sahaja.

One thing that really caught my eyes when reading was Taureans have a ferocious temper.

Jadi, that was when I start reading horoscopes.

That was when aku mula mendalami dan memahami perwatakan aku.

I woke up this morning, it was 7.30am. Lately malam tidurku tak pernah awal. Semua serba tak kena, dan bangun pula tak pernah lewat seperti dulu. It kinda freaks me out in a way, sebab sleeping was my number one hobby.

All the work datang dominate hidup yang semakin semak dan sesak. Namun, it gives me some kind of satisfaction in a way. Hectic, benar aku tak tipu. Semester ini betul-betul mengundang kesabaran taureans personality yang aku ada.

"People who think a lot, will not live longer"

Well, at least I manage to get to this age..and ahh yes, still breathing.

Magic Hour

2011-11-03T01:08:00.004+08:00

This time around, things aren't going so well. Segala benda berkecamuk, kertas-kertas kerja yang tak putus, environment yang tidak begitu sihat dan fate.. Fate tidak menyebelahi aku.

Dan yang paling membunuh segala perasaan dan rasa adalah

Rindu.

***

Sudah hampir sebulan aku tidak berjumpa dengan ibu mahupun ayah, apatah lagi mendengar pekikan adik-adik yang kian meningkat remaja.

Living by yourself make you realize how hard life is. Selama ini mereka tempat kau bergantung harap dalam segala benda; money, shelter, security and love. Dan sekarang semuanya kosong. Its like living alone in this world. Being independent is not easy after all. Worst, at this age.

Sejak kecil, my father never let me do things alone. I have to obey all the rules and regulations. His rules, his regulations. I couldn't go out and experience the world. I was with him. With them most of the time. I was pampered. I was spoiled.

Kadang-kadang, aku malu memberi alasan kepada rakan-rakan yang ingin mengajak aku 'memegang dunia' bersama mereka ketika aku baru ingin menikmati alam remaja. Honestly, my teenage life aren't as fun as them. I was a criminal back then, but I know my limits. Because I have my father. Who'll never leave me and would check on me every second. Yes, second.

I felt unloved back then. Unfair. Unappreciated. Worst, I felt trapped.

"Mama, belum tidur?" aku bertanya setelah masuk kedalam biliknya yang masih terang tepat jam 1 pagi.

My mother attended a meeting in Port Dickson for 3 days, and she came home for Raya Aidil Adha yang akan kunjung beberapa hari lagi.

She was reading a book pengalaman di Mekah, I went right up on her bed and smuggle myself right next to her.

"Come here a bit" dia berkata sambil menarik kepala aku yang semakin berat ke atas lengannya. She still thinks I'm small. She didn't even realize how heavy my head was.

Aku memeluknya erat dan pejam mata. We both remain silent. I don't know whether its an awkward moment or something you don't want to spoil. Its like magic. Magic hour. Aku dengar dengan teliti how her heart beats fast. It was really fast until my heart follows her beat. Sambil mendengar aku membuat kiraan aku sendiri. 1..2..1..2..1..2..

Leher aku mula berasa kejang, lenguh akibat tidak selesa namun aku masih tidak mahu membetulkan posisi aku. I don't want to spoil this. I want this moment to stop. Jikalau aku mempunyai kamera pada masa itu, sudah pasti aku akan set timer dan mengambil saat-saat bahagia seperti itu. Dan semestinya frame gambar itu. It would be the most beautiful picture ever.

Tangan kanan ibuku memegang buku, tangan kirinya memeluk aku dengan erat. Kadang dia menepuk-nepuk seperti ingin menyuruh aku lena diatas lengannya. Aku sengaja memejamkan mata, ingin menikmati saat itu. Sesekali aku garu kepalaku yang tidak gatal, setiap kali aku membuat pergerakan, dia akan menepuk-nepuk aku kembali. It was sweet. Very. Really.

I then realized it was hard for her to turn the page of the book she was reading, because I was "sleeping" on her other hand. Namun dia masih membiarkan aku berbaring disitu dan menyelak buku itu dengan jari-jarinya.

Aku mendengar bunyi pernafasannya dengan teliti, it was better than music. It was relaxing. All the burdens I carried was gone. Vanished. Dan aku tahu, kepala berat aku membuatkan tangan kirinya lenguh. But still, she didn't complain and didn't made any move. Dia masih memelukku erat, semakin erat sehinggakan kepala aku rapat ke dadanya.

I had to say something.. I just had to, but nothing came out.

"Mama, I need to continue on my studying now"

"Okay, basuh kaki and brush your teeth before bed" she said.

Aku senyum dan memberikannya kucupan untuk malam itu, she still thinks I'm her little girl. I'm her little girl..Little girl.

Aku mengusap-usap rambutnya yang hampir putih itu dan sempat membisikkan i love you mom

lalu meninggalkan biliknya.

Fund Raising event

2011-10-25T23:34:00.003+08:00

MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Dearest all, gang, peeps, ya'll.

As I've mentioned in my last entry, (bukan yang bawah ni, satu lagi) Masscomm INC (Interpersonal communication) club is organizing a fund raising Car wash event. On the 28th to 30th of October 2011.

So, bring all your cars, motorbikes, van, 'Bus'(jangan lah) to ProBros at section 7, Shah Alam.

We (semester 4 students) kena buat 2 event untuk this semester. First is for our 'Diffusion of Innovation' subject, which we are organizing a talk and forum on what interpersonal communication is all about, and the people who will be attending are the masscomm diploma students from other IPTS. (Segi, sunway, Inti, etc)

Jadi untuk menjayakan program kami ini, we need a lot of money money moneyy! KA-SHINGG!

Besides from getting sponsors yang belum tentu dapat, we are making an effort to raise the money by ourselves. And this is the part where the whole carwash idea came from.

Our second event is Masscomm Interpersonal award night and celebrating our alumni. Both events will be held in December. So please, come to our carwash fund raising, and bring all your cars at home!

REMEMBER! Its on this coming Friday to Sunday. From 10am to 10pm.

Please refer to the flyer for more details.

The venue will take place at the ProBros Auto Detailing Center. Belakang Hailam Kopitiam Seksyen 7. Near the tasik.

Show some love and bring your car!

Come la.. Come laa..

Meriahkan Majlis, sementara feeling-feeling deepavali melekat lagi.

Email me at sarahmdsalleh@gmail.com

for further detail.

Sekian, terima kasih daun keladi.

Deria 2

2011-10-22T23:38:00.003+08:00

Dia kata "Happiness is felt when shared" setelah selesai menonton cerita into the wild.

What if you share it with someone who's not interested? aku bertanya memecahkan kesunyian.

Lately, secara jujur aku tidak berasa puas, dan untuk meletakkan diri aku sebagai seorang yang digelar 'happy-go-lucky' jauh sekali.

What if.. sambil menunggu giliran dia menjawab.

Than its not happiness lah.

Aku meletakkan contoh seorang perempuan sedang bersemangat untuk bercerita tentang hari-harinya kepada lelaki dihadapannya, fikir aku tidak lain tak bukan kekasihnya. Reaksi lelaki tadi hanya tunduk dan lebih tertarik dengan tajuk utama muka depan 'Metro' yang sedari mula tidak habis-habis membaca isu hangat didalam tabloid itu.

Dan si perempuan tadi sedar lalu merajuk kerana reaksi lelaki tadi yang menyakitkan. Walhal hakikat sebenarnya lelaki tadi malas nak dengar cerita-cerita wanita yang membosankan itu.

Yes, when you love someone, it does not mean that every single thing they share interest you.

Sebab 'interest' manusia berbeza, juga personaliti dan character, attitude mahupun behavior.

***

The problem with you is.. you memang letakkan your mind superior, yang mana memang dah powerful. Jadi bila orang lain pun nak jadi superior, memang tak lah boleh!

Aku diam, ia bukan soal superior atau take control. Its about what you think is right and what your priorities in life are.

You share with someone you love and its about accepting who you are. Kalau you boleh tolerate my wrongs, than itu dikira happiness jugak. What happiness is also about, is being truthful. Bagitahu segala benda yang you puas atau tak.

Aku masih diam kerana aku tahu lelaki yang sedang bercakap ini bijak menggunakan kata-kata. Dan aku juga tahu lelaki ini tahu kelemahan aku dan boleh mematahkan setiap perkataan yang keluar dari mulut aku.

Aku tanya dia macam mana pula something yang you feel eager to share, tapi you already know the person tak akan bagi reaction yang positif.

He paused. (berfikir barangkali) err..maybe the person assume that the other person wanted to listen?

Perbualan tidak meyakinkan aku.

Happiness is not just something u feel when you share. Its something you can feel without reason. Even when you are hurt or in pain, happiness is there. Happiness and pain sepatutnya contradict dan tak parallel. But I see it in a different way.

Bila you feel the pain, you know that you love. Because you care. And imagine a person yang tak pernah menangis atau susah menangis, tiba-tiba mengalirkan air mata dengan mudah bila bersama dengan orang yang menyakitkan dirinya setiap masa, adalah satu benda yang amat powerful.

Dan from there happiness is instill. Happiness is a gift. You don't create it, you earn it. In any way.

Aku masih mendengar dia menerangkan dengan panjang lebar dan menolak segala jawapan aku. And as always, I prefer to remain silent.

"happiness is felt when shared" dan lagi..dan lagi..

"4 years with you, I felt happy, even most of the time we don't share anything".

lalu menekan end call.

Teaser

2011-10-21T22:41:00.004+08:00

Sejak kebelakangan ni, hujan turun tak henti-henti. Orang kata hujan tu rahmat. Ada juga yang kata your mood depends on the weather. And lately my mood is not in the mood. I can't think, I can't write, I can't listen, I even took an hour to finish reading one page of a book. Which triggers my mood more.

I see the world in a depressing way. And I bet, its getting worst.

Anyway, after Deepavali I'm coming out with a carwash event (Ya, carwash pada musim hujan, bijak) Dan kalau semua berjalan seperti yang dirancang, it will be held on saturday 29th October.

Dekat section 7, belakang Hailam kopitiam. 'ProBros carwash' our club will collaborate with the pro-bros..

So, please come..I'm inviting all of you. I'll personally cuci your car/s. And to the ladies, abang-abang probros semua handsome, gagah perkasa.

Come and have fun, sambil cuci kereta boleh cuci mata. Bak kata pepatah "Sambil menyelam minum air" ha minum puas-puas.

Heh.

Catch catchy

2011-10-16T10:22:00.003+08:00

September,2011. Dia memandu perlahan seperti biasa pada suatu hari, dan seperti biasa juga aku memandangnya yang sedari mula tidak senang dengan perlakuan aku itu. Dia, yang bakal menjejaki alam 30an, gigih bekerja, dan amat mementingkan keluarganya. Sometime it feels like getting to see myself in his age. Dan untuk membandingkan dirinya dengan aku yang baru sahaja ingin menikmati alam 20an adalah satu sin pada aku. Kerana dia jauh lebih berpengalaman tentang segala-galanya.

"Do you believe in marriage?"

Cuma satu. Satu kepastian yang ingin sekali aku tahu.

Dia diam, senyum. Dan itu lebih trigger keinginan untuk mengetahui jawapan yang bakal keluar dari bibirnya.

"What if when you're married and suddenly you found out that.. it's a mistake?" jawabnya.

"Why do you say that?"

For him to ask that was already a thought that I have in mind.

"What if" katanya sambil memandang aku.

I choose to remain silent untuk mendengarkan lagi hujah-hujah yang bakal keluar dari bibirnya. Dia sambung lagi, "Imagine you are with someone. Lama. Tapi bila dah kahwin, you don't feel the happiness. You feel like you're trapped. Anyway, I ada tanggungjawab pada family I"

I know the last sentence was an escapist answer. Untuk dia tak sambung lagi perbualan tadi.

Marriage is something you want for a life time, its not something yang kau pakai buang. Its serious. From a person yang tak pernah menggunakan akal fikiran untuk fikir, but when it comes to this, that person need and must use his capability untuk berfikir.

Its not because of something you do because of the sake of people is doing it, bukan sebab ianya dihebah-hebahkan dalam lagu yang kita dengar dicorong radio setiap hari, its not because of ianya perkara wajib yang harus diketengahkan, its not solely on sex dan bukan sahaja tentang tanggungjawab. Bukan kerana yang bukan, bukan.

If the reasons of getting married adalah seperti yang disebutkan tadi than probability for you to wake up one day from bed and think your marriage was a mistake, mungkin ada. Mungkin.

Hey, siapa aku untuk bercakap soal perkahwinan?

***

Dan seperti hari-hari sebelumnya, dia memandu tanpa arah tuju. Finally kami bersepakat untuk berhenti di sebuah kedai di Subang.

Hujung minggu. Dan untuk pergi ke shopping mall during the weekend yang hampir masuk senja was a bad, bad idea. Kami berjalan memerhati setiap manusia yang lalu dihadapan. Tangannya digenggam erat.

As we walk, dia ditegur oleh seorang foreigner, kenalan lama mungkin. Mereka berbual-bual lebih kurang 5minit. Aku hanya senyum memandang rakannya itu. Tak lama sebelum mereka berjabat tangan untuk berpisah, dia memperkenalkan aku pada rakannya tadi.

"Meet my wife".

Deria

2011-10-14T18:56:00.004+08:00

"He wants the sense of belonging" kataku kepada seorang teman suatu hari, dihadapan berbelas-belas kertas kerja yang bertimbun mengejar dateline yang bakal tiba.

"And I'm afraid if I can't commit to that. Not now" mengeluh.

Aku tahu wanita yang berada dihadapan aku sekarang memahami setiap butiran yang ingin aku sampaikan, kerana dia lebih lama hidup dari aku. Dia juga amat mengenali sifat dan perwatakan aku.

"Don't you want the sense of belonging too?" dia bertanya.

"I do..of course I do".

Setiap jawapan pendek sentiasa mempunyai 'tapi', namun I prefer not to explain my stand further, dan membiarkan ianya berakhir disitu.

Mataku terus tertumpu kepada kertas-kertas kerja yang sedari tadi memanggil. Sambil memikirkan dia yang pada waktu itu juga memikirkan hal yang sama.

Deelectrify.

2011-10-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

Dia tanya : "sayang, I kayu u ke?"

"What do you mean kayu" jawabku.

"No, I mean I deelectrify your pain, macam rebound jugak lah on your past"

I know how it feels like when you have the paranoid feeling over you. The feeling di mana tak mungkin kau dapat menyayangi atau mencintai selain daripada dia yang berada dengan kau.

Mungkin hukuman yang selama ni kau tanggung dimana kau belum pernah menyayangi yang sebelum-sebelum seperti yang kau alami sekarang.

Dan untuk merasakan perasaan ini, bukan mudah terhadap mana-mana manusia yang datang singgah dalam hidup kau. Kadang aku pelik dengan diri sendiri kerana kewujudan perasaan yang melampau ini.

Aku begitu lemah, lemah setiap kali atau tanpanya. Selama ini, tak pernah aku hiraukan tentang sesiapa yang singgah sebelum ini, tapi bila bersama dia, lain. Perasaan paranoid menyelubungi diri aku. Aku mengangkatnya tinggi. Lebih dari diri sendiri.

Aku inginkan sesuatu kepastian darinya. Untuk mendengar suaranya tiap kali mata terbuka di pagi hari dan tutup setiap kali sebelum dibuai mimpi. Dan setiap kali membuatku cemas dan berfikir yang aneh-aneh diwaktu ketiadaannya. Untuk rasa dimiliki dan memiliki.

***

"Darling, you bukan kayu. You tulang belakang I" jawabku.

Aku hanya diam membiarkan segalanya berkata sendiri. Kerana aku tahu perasaan paranoid, curiga dan segala yang dia rasa belum padam dalam dirinya. Dan aku tahu malam tidurnya bukan dengan hati yang menyenangkan.

And if only you know how deep I feel towards you too. Cuma masa dan keadaan yang menjadi penghalang antara kami.

Delusional.

2011-10-08T00:58:00.004+08:00

Suasana malam itu mengundang kemalasan. Masa itu, aku sedang bergiat aktif menulis. Berada jauh lebih kurang 200km dari Bandaraya Kuala Lumpur. Komputer sahaja peneman sewaktu itu dan juga blackberry yang menghubungkan komunikasi antara kami.

Tepat jam 5.55am aku menerima sebuah email darinya. Seorang stranger. Yang tak pernah aku kenali.

Dia tanya "What is your biggest worry?".

"Death" jawabku. "And you?"

"I'm afraid of being intentionally neglected, ignored by fate. There's no way to change it, no matter how hard you try".

Fate is written. Takdir adalah satu destinasi yang tuhan berikan kepada dan hanya untuk kau. To believe in fate, you need to have faith. Dan ia memang menyakitkan bila takdir yang kau terima tidak seperti yang kau harapkan. And when another part you feel that fate is a lie. Tapi, bukankah juga takdir sebenarnya seperti satu possibility.

Cause and effects. It starts with how you want it to be. Its not about being lucky. Luck and fate do not go together. Being lucky is something else. Fate needs faith. To me, Luck do not exist. Things don't just happen without reason.

"Bila you feel neglected and ignored by fate satu hari nanti, I'll reply your msgs so you won't feel lonely sangat, everything is written. You deserve what ever you get"

lalu menekan butang send.

2011-10-06T01:53:00.002+08:00

Ada sesuatu dari masa lampau yang akan selinap masuk perlahan-lahan dalam fikiran kau dan meghantui pemikiran kau, yang sebenarnya sedang cuba sedaya upaya untuk melupakan.

Kadang-kadang ia terlalu perit untuk dilupakan dan lebih perit untuk mengigati. Rasa kesal mahupun sesal atau apa-apa yang sewaktu dengannya menyelubungi diri membuatkan ia lebih terseksa. Dan yang paling membencikan apabila masa yang ditinggalkan sebenarnya sudah berlalu lama namun terasa seperti baru semalam. Dan segala perlakuan atau proses itu dimainkan dalam akal fikiran seperti wayang gambar yang diulang tanpa henti.

Memori bukan sahaja terletak pada manusia, namun juga pada objek atau bukan benda. Kadang bila kau melintasi sebuah rumah atau mendengar sebuah lagu atau terhidu bau-bauan atau apa sahaja yang mengigatkan kau kepada memori secara langsung fikiran kau akan terus project the past or that memory. Dan ia antara amat menyeronokkan ataupun menyakitkan. Cuma, manusia hanya melihat kepada perkara yang sakit. Kerana itu yang meninggalkan kesan. Sama seperti keburukan manusia yang lebih diingati daripada kabaikan yang pernah dilakukan.

Masa. Masa sentiasa menentukan segala-galanya.

Dan perjanjian. Hanya tinggal janji.

2011-10-06T00:52:00.000+08:00

Dia buat aku gila dengan tulisan-tulisannya.

odds.

2011-10-03T10:29:00.003+08:00

Dia muncul tiap kali kesibukan dan kecelakaan datang dictate minda aku. Dan hari-hari aku tak pernah surut dari kesibukan, dan fikiran aku tak pernah berhenti dari memikirkan penyelesaian satu per satu masalah dunia.

Dia yang berada disisi memandu memegang tanganku erat, seperti tak mungkin ada lagi esok.

"Darling you are like a drug to me" kataku.

"Why?"

"Because I'm so addicted to you. And when I'm with you, I'm high"

Dia senyum sambil memandu menuju kearah yang tak menentu, tanpa hala tuju.

Dia memandu dan terus memandu.

"And you.." katanya

"You are like a toxic"

"why?"

"Because you bunuh I perlahan-lahan"

Dan kami ketawa dan menahan daripada berbicara tentang hati dan perasaan.

2011-09-29T11:09:00.003+08:00

Mistake is a thing that people usually make. Bezanya besar atau kecil. Aku tak berapa faham how people measure mistake. Ambil pembaris ukur.. I don't know.

Cumanya, when people make mistake with a person, someone else I mean, kau akan ada this feeling called 'penyesalan bersama' and you'll get into a conclusion to not to make the same mistake.

And on top of that, both would come out with promises or something yang akan make it look like a win-to-win situation.

He onced said : "This is the biggest mistake we've made, and I promise to understand you more and promise not to hurt you ever".

Dan ia lucu kerana ianya sekarang menjadi kenangan.

Ha-ha

2011-09-27T23:36:00.002+08:00

Bukan mudah untuk bersama dengan cermin.

Because it reflex you.

And you can see everything about you.

Being with yourself.

And only you.

Would understand the reason, the reflections behavior.

And now you know how people feel being around you.

heh.

I need to sleep.

#0

2011-09-24T16:54:00.003+08:00

Satu hari, sedang aku menahan sakit disebabkan makanan yang tak seberapa bersih,

dia datang membisikkan..

"Dear, why we tak jumpa awal-awal? Mana you menyorok all this while?"

"You la jual mahal" kataku sambil mengusap perut yang sedang meragut jiwa.

"I? hmm. Why I?"

"Ntah.."

Aku tidak mahu memulakan dengan memberi 'reason' takut pengakhirannya perit seperti sebelumnya. Segala perkataan yang keluar dari bibir sentiasa memakan diri, jadi aku lebih selesa berdiam diri. Dan mendengar.

"Hmm..yela I yang salah"

"Darling, it's a good thing we found each other daripada tak langsung kan? Love goes by destiny. I cuma risau..what's the end of us. I'm afraid"

Dan aku tahu dia senyum mendengarkan segala butir yang diungkap.

"Dear, if we really put things betul-betul, I don't see any problem. Don't be paranoid about what will happen"

"happiness bukan destinasi one should go, it's a way of life. If we always think about failure, how can we live happily then?"

"Thinking is good but don't be a slave to our own thoughts".

Sebab at the end of the day, what really matter is what we feel not what we think.

Kata-katanya terus membawa aku kedalam mimpi.

2011-09-22T00:09:00.002+08:00

Kadang-kadang, fikiran boleh mempermainkan perasaan. And at other times, perasaan boleh memperdayakan fikiran.

#1

2011-09-18T02:30:00.003+08:00

Dia, dari masa lampau kembali malam tadi mengejutkan aku yang sedang cuba menghentikan kepala dari terus berfikir tentang masalah dunia. Seperti hari-hari sebelumnya, soalan sama masih dituju bagai tidak mahu memori sebelumnya bertukar kenangan, walau hakikatnya bara api sudah pun hampir padam.

Aku hanya diam mendengarkan setiap luahan isi hati, dan amarah yang belum reda. Tidak putus menyalahkan sifat yang ada dalam diri aku yang tidak berlaku adil untuk menghentikan.

"Jangan samakan I dengan dia, I dengan dia dua lelaki yang berbeza"

Selepas hampir tamat perbualan tadi, satu lagi soalan dituju yang membuatkan aku senyum tanpa memberikan sebarang kata.

There are no uniqueness left after all, no matter how different you think you are.

Everyone wants to be different.

#2

2011-09-17T22:26:00.003+08:00

I was told berulang kali olehnya, "Perempuan sentiasa paranoid dengan sesuatu yang belum jadi"

Setiap kali dia mengingatkan, setiap kali itu juga aku hanya mampu melemparkan senyuman. People learn from the past, experience and what they've been through. Dan pengalaman banyak meminta aku bangun dan sedar tentang realiti kehidupan yang pada hakikatnya, realiti kehidupan itu sendiri aku tak pasti.

What I've always wanted is to live in a normal life. Being happy. Dan aku tahu ia amat menyakitkan apabila kau dah put an aim or a target on something namun pengakhirannya tak seperti yang kau mahukan. Which is why, aku nak elakkan.

Masa depan, kerjaya, keluarga dan juga jodoh merupakan satu yang sentiasa buat aku fikir berulang kali. Paranoid dengan keadaan sekeliling. Dengan sense of direction yang kian tak menentu. Menambahkan lagi perasaan yang menggila.

At one point, I thought I knew everything. Describe it any words, I'm sure I'll understand, dan aku sentiasa sahaja ada sesuatu yang perlu atau hendak dikatakan mahupun balas. Bagi aku, setiap persoalan pasti mempunyai jawapannya, kau hanya perlu bijak memikirkan logik dalam akal fikir kau.

Tadi, dia memberikan sebuah lukisan oleh Picasso. 'Sleeping woman'. Katanya dari sebuah kedai di Shah Alam yang aku sendiri tak familiar.

"Banyak jugak tempat yang you belum tahu kan" Katanya.

"Yeah" jawabku, sambil cuba memikirkan lokasi.

"Kiranya, bukan semua benda kita tahu sebenarnya, deep tak maksud I?"

aku diam, mengerti.

He said, "I came across this line when I went to the shop. Never assume that someone likes you by their sweetness, because sometimes you're just an option when they're bored"

Lucu, bila kau ditampar berulang kali dalam satu masa.

I"ve always thought bitter was better than sweet.

Sarah Mohammad.

#3

2011-09-14T16:26:00.004+08:00

Sebenarnya untuk memulakan sesuatu, lebih susah dari meninggalkan. Permulaan sebuah cerita atau suatu penulisan mengambil masa yang panjang, cuma once you are in the middle of it, fikiran kau tak mampu untuk berhenti daripada mengeluarkan atau mencorakkan idea-idea yang yang bermain dalam kotak fikiran kau. Ironinya, untuk mengakhirkan sebuah cerita amatlah mudah. Berbanding dengan permulaannya tadi.

Apparently, this also happen in life. Cerita yang kau sendiri bawak selama mana kau hidup. The way kau corakkan dengan warna warni atau warna tahi. Kehidupan kau ibarat satu cerita yang banyak chapter. Namun, untuk memulakan satu chapter, kau perlu blend in dan adapt dengan cara kau mahukan cerita itu berjalan. Without blending in, that is when the caca merba begins. Tapi, untuk sesetengah manusia, the more caca merba it is, the more challenging you get and that is when you feel the real 'living'.

Saying goodbyes adalah salah satu benda which people want to avoid, yet, they still say it and leave. Worst, they say it nonverbally yang membuatkan ia lagi membunuh.

But whatever it is, yang ditinggalkan pasti berasa lebih pedih berbanding kesemuanya, yang pasti.

sarah mohammad.

Pretender

2011-09-07T00:34:00.000+08:00

There is one part in life will make you feel. The feeling far from regret, a new born, something you wish to stay. Longer than your mind could be able to reach, beyond imagination.

As you live, you’ll go through many. Meet all kinds of people with all kinds of behavior, and how you deal with them is the way how you are brought up or prolly the way you think. Mentality and also physically.

There are many kinds of behavior. I categorized them into two. One ‘pencil’ and two ‘eraser’. I don’t think its a good example but hey, what do you expect? Being a pencil is easy. Pencil could make thousands mistake and try to make things better. I don’t wish to give examples so go figure.

Being an eraser on the other hand, needs to have patience. An eraser will never say ‘no’ to mistakes. Mistakes will be erased by an eraser easily. No second thought, or maybe. (that depends) Erasers are used just for mistakes. Nothing else.

Pencils use erasers for their mistakes. Erasers are like their backbone, but never been appreciated. As erasers are gone being used by pencils, they’ll be replaced by new ones. And so it goes. The best part is, an eraser loves doing the job.

People worry to much about how others think of them. Sometimes they can’t be who they wanted because of the thoughts. The word ‘no’ is what they keep avoiding to use, just to impress and satisfy other people. I can’t lie, I too am one of them. Everyone will go through this process, or is it a process? I respect those who are brave or strong enough to think about them first. I really wish i could be that person too.

When you are very close to someone, and keep giving in, that person will think that you both have something special. Hakikatnya, you don’t have any intention at all. And this is when hopes are build not from you but that other person. And this is when things get complicated. Worst, when you don’t know the right situation to say the word ‘no’.

It feels suck being in that situation. And it feels sucks Kuasa dua when you have to impress.

Someone told me “people have to socialize in order to keep himself occupied from being tortured and haunted by his own loneliness”

And being here, where I live now make me realized how important things are. All perception and expectation changes. Kuantan is beautiful after all. This is my home. And tomorrow at this time I’ll be in Subang where every thing rotates and keep replaying it all over again. Everyone hated reality. Reality is cruel. Fate too can be cruel.

I have no idea what I’ve wrote. And publishing it is another thing.

Salut.

perhaps there are exceptions in every perception.

2011-08-26T22:49:00.000+08:00

Humans are unpredictable. Or maybe not. In a way, I guess. But imagine when you've hold something makna kata tetapkan atau pendirian yang selama umur kau hidup on earth, but just because of one thing, that only one thing happen yang mampu buat kau feel merubah segala persepsi akal fikiran kau.

Dan yang paling ironi that one thing, that only feeling is not something yang pasti. Namun, cukup besar untuk merubah segala-galanya. Dan memberikan kesan dalam diri kau.

Ia juga membencikan apabila ia membuatkan kau befikir, fikir dan fikir. Hakikatnya aku bencikan nonsense.

Dan yang pasti, that thing, that only feeling will leave a question mark on your head.

This is not happening. At least not now.

And they say..

2011-08-08T19:50:00.000+08:00

"There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living"
#Jim Thompson, The Killer Inside Me.

Fabio the 'fate'

2011-08-08T12:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder adakah semua bad things yang menimpa kau adalah atau dikira sebagai takdir yang sepatutnya kau terima?

Yang mana aku pasti tuhan itu sememangnya maha adil. Setiap perbuatan pasti ada balasan mahupun hikmahnya. And every question must have an answer.

Whether kau manusia have the chance or opportunity to change your own fate atau kau prefer it stays sedia ada yang kau pun tahu the consequences for your actions.

Sayangnya, manusia tak pernah menghargai setiap benda and prefer taking everything for granted. Sebab itu juga mereka di panggil 'human beings'. And when things don't come as they expected or wanted.

Fate is who they blame. Fabio.

Lagi..lagi..dan lagi.

Great escapes.

2011-07-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

And now on my bed,
With my laptop on,
With no wifi connection,
In a place where all wives would be dreaming to live in,
And people pretending around, welcoming you,

With all this feeling mixed up together.
you'll feel grateful to have your brother and sister with you,
And pull them in tight and safely sail by the dark.
Ending the night with the satisfaction of having a blackberry.

Kalau tak, tak tertulis apa yang aku carut sekarang.

Selamat malam kuantan.

Tak seberapa great sekarang.

Sarah mohammad.

Dreamer.

2011-07-20T17:29:00.004+08:00

I have a dream.

Ever since I was a child, I've always been the one yang sangat manja. Especially dengan my father. I don't know what happen now though. Dulu, my father was a fighter pilot F-18. Setiap kali nak terbang, he'll call us untuk keluar rumah tengok dia terbang. All kind of ways. Kadang sambil tengok pun boleh kencing dalam seluar. Setiap kali ayah perform for LIMA or ada any airshow performance, kitorang adik beradik mesti pakai baju kapal terbang dia.

"Ayah, nak naik!" Setiap kali dia bawa aku pergi hanger mesti aku mintak untuk naik kapal terbang dia. Mungkin sebab dia pun tahu kami semua bangga dengan dia, maka dia pun bagilah aku naik tapi tak terbanglah. Mati aku. Aku selalu berebut dengan abang aku untuk duduk depan. Dia selalu dengki, kadang sebelum naik kapal terbang tu boleh bertumbuk. Masa tu aku about 7 atau 8tahun. Pernah jugak dulu aku bercita-cita untuk jadi fighter pilot. Kalau jadi mesti style kan?

My mother is a dentist. Kadang aku hairan how on earth did u guys met? Mak aku mula kerja dekat Kuantan dulu. Raub kalau tak silap. Aku selalu tanya mak aku macam mana dia jumpa ayah, tak pernah sekali pun dorang nak bercerita. So aku pun reka cerita aku sendiri. Mungkin masa Mak aku bertugas di Raub dulu dan ayah aku kebetulan di Kuantan jugak.. Ayah aku main bola tampar dekat teluk chempedak, konon-konon beach boy lah, Mak aku pulak tengah baca novel kegemaran dia 'Nora Roberts', sambil rambut ditiup angin acah-acah Titanic.

Tiba-tiba bila ayah aku nampak mama, bola tampar tadi terkena muka dia right on his face sampai gigi dia tercabut. Jadi mak aku yang acah-acah tak nampak bapak aku tadi terus jadi wonderwomen and save the day. Mungkin lah. Mana tahu kan. Ok mesti cerita tu bukan macam tu.

Anyways, I have a brother. A big one. I mean really big. Not just he's older than me but huge. Exaggerate sangat. He's 24 this year. Dia pun mengikut jejak langkah ayah aku. Tapi dia bukan fighter. Dia pilot Malaysian Airlines. Bagus jugak dia jadi pilot, bukan apa atleast dia bagi jugak sumbangan dekat adik-adik dia. macam aku. Walaupun dia tak akan beli apa yang aku mintak, tapi bab makan dia mesti tak tolak. Never. Sebelum aku mintak nak makan pun dia dah beli makanan. Kadang aku cemburu jugak tengok kehidupan dia. Easy life, tak fair. Tapi sebenarnya for him to have a life yang dia ada sekarang ni pun in a way he worked for it. Kau tak akan dapat apa kau nak kalau kau mengharap tanpa buat apa-apa.

I have 2 sisters bawah aku dan yang last sekali a monster. Azeem. Mereka masih belajar. Adik bawah aku baru 18tahun this year. Belajar di matrikulasi Banting. Bawah dia baru form 2 dan yang monster tu darjah 4. I really love them all. Yang paling aku sayang sebenarnya si monster tu, sebab dia yang paling spoil brat and yang paling susahkan hidup aku. If he doesn't exist, mesti boring.

So when i grew up and see these achievements. I strive myself to be at par with them. Sometimes I feel its complicated sebab kadang kau akan percaya apa yang kau nampak saja. But aku masih belum nampak apa yang ada di depan aku. But I have my dreams. And I believe walau seribu kali kau jatuh, pengakhirannya kau akan berjaya seandainya kau tak berhenti 'percaya'.

Go for what you want. Don't be afraid to take risks. You'll never know if you don't try. As long what you believe is 'true'.

Sama jugak dalam apa sekalipun. If you want someone yang senonoh atau you want a good job, atau you want to publish a book atau you want apa saja lah, percaya pada diri kau dan ambil risk itu, Kalau ada rezeki tak kemana pun. Kan?

Sarah Mohammad.

2011-07-17T22:43:00.002+08:00

biasanya..

bila umur sudah menjangkau,

dan semua hampir dikecapi,

darah muda yang ingin kau cari.

Untuk jadikan mimpi sebagai realiti.

perempuan bukan suatu objek atau mainan,

untuk lengkapkan apa yang kau inginkan.

apa lagi aku.

sembahyang 5 waktu kasi cukup dulu.

Belated belated BELATED Birthday Treat from Iz.

2011-07-14T23:06:00.004+08:00

Today I was fasting, had 4 more days till I complete my puasa ganti. And as usual, sejak tak kerja, I'm having all the time by myself, fancy livin' at home. I couldn't go out because my car masuk hospital 2 days ago. Stuck at home, or tumpang other people happiness by following them to wherever they take me.

Tadi, Iz called from work asking me if I have plans for today, she wants to take me out for dinner. Kata dia "eh aku belum belanja kau for your birthday kan?" and of course bila kau diacukan soalan macam tu, semestinya kau akan cakap "BELUM".

Dan knowing that Iz is working, I know that she have extra EXTRA money!! so, soalan paling random I asked her where are we having dinner tonight. And she was like "thats is the problemo, kejap and what time? u want me to fetch u or u fetch me? nak merasa naik neowww"

"Neo is still in the workshop, petang ni keluar tapi esok masuk workshop satu lagi, you pick me up lah, and since its on you, i tak nak demand. Chilis pun okay jugak".

So chilis it is. Hehe but as usual bila dah feeling-feeling nak makan sedap, rasa macam nak dress up lawa-lawa. Dua-dua nak feeling jadi tinggi. Tapi, bila fikirkan balik, we'll end up looking like clowns. Better keep it simple. So tak jadi nak feeling sangat. (background Titanic "my heart will go on" tadi tukar lagu action kamen)

Iz sampai around 8pm. Which sebenarnya sementara tunggu dia datang, I dah bedal Pasta my mom buat for buka puasa. And I was full. Dalam hati takut if I couldn't finish my food bila dengan Iz nanti because dia dah hantar SMS berbaur ancaman awal-awal "Kau jangan tak habis makan nanti. Kau selalu tak habis. Nanti rugi gila!" All i can do is smile because Iz sangat memahami aku. Aku rasa semua pun tahu aku memang tak akan habiskan makanan.

Sampai saja di Empire, I went to Toys r us untuk berjumpa dengan staff-staff disana. Selesai aktiviti jejak kasih, we went to Chilis. Dan seperti yang aku jangkakan memang tak ada tempat. Nama aku dalam waiting list which we had to wait 14 minutes. Iz dah buat muka barbarian and said, "Let's eat somewhere else" aku mengiya kan sahaja walaupun rasa kecewa sebab dari petang tadi dah browse the menu on the internet nak makan apa. So, we went to Serai.

We had a longggg talk about each other lives yang dah missed. We also talk about our memories masa pre-law dulu, about abang Burger dekat kolej mahsuri, about orang meja sebelah cover line depan boyfriend sebab makan buah saja which that one came from Iz. I tukang tambah je. HAHA. And we didn't took much pictures sebab Phone iz bunyi macam Optimus prime nak transform jadi robot. So yeah, We had fun and I think we should do this more often kan Iz. Cumanya kena jadi kaya dulu lah.

This was what Iz ordered. Apa ntah nama ayam ni. belit lidah sebut.

I 'just' ordered for fish and chips. which tasted like pisang goreng!

Sumpah.

Serai's Pavlova is the best!

Barbaric face

Acah-acah busy. Padahal tahu aku nak ambik gambar kau.

Candid la konon. Hehe.

You know that dude behind me on the right, that blue shirt waiter walking towards us

is verryy friendly, thought dapat discount tapi tak.

Izdiyani Musawir dengan air 'pink' nya.

Thank you for tonight.

Mended.

2011-07-13T10:12:00.004+08:00

Jam 6.30 pagi, aku dikejutkan ibuku untuk solat subuh. Selesai berjemaah bersama, dia meminta aku menemaninya ke pasar. Dari dulu sebenarnya aku tidak berapa gemar ke pasar. Tapi,pagi tadi aku gagahkan juga kerana tak lama lagi pergi ke pasar akan jadi satu kewajipan bila aku tinggal seorang.

Sampai dipasar, ibuku tunjukkan kedai ikan,ayam,daging,telur,sayur dan santan yang selalu dia beli. Setiap gerai yang berbeza. Ibuku sempat kenalkan aku dengan tauke-tauke kedai.

"Ini anak nombor 2 saya, bila saya tak ada nanti dia lah yang akan datang beli dekat sini, sekarang nak ajar dia" kata ibu.

Aku hanya mampu senyum sendiri sambil membelek belek ikan tanpa mengetahui nama.

Selesai di pasar, ibu mengajak aku breakfast di restoran daruss di ss15. Aku yang sebenarnya berpuasa, terus lupa kerana dah lama tak breakfast berdua bersama ibuku, lalu order nasi lemak ayam. Sambil makan tiba-tiba ibuku bertanya

"sarah, how are you coping with life?"

Aku terdiam tidak menjangka ibuku akan mengeluarkan soalan cepumas.

"Tell me if you have anything sementara I tengah cuti, bila start kerja, dah susah nak talk". Kata ibu lagi.

Dari pertanyaan pertama tadi aku dapat agak my mother is trying to have this talk yang tak pernah we talk about. Untuk aku waktu sekarang bukan masa yang sesuai untuk aku disclose segala tentang aku, which pada aku without saying it my mom kan read me. She's my mother. She knows me well.

"I'm okay mama. Suam-suam okay" kata aku.

Dan setelah dia berikan aku that 'mom look' aku start ceritakan tentang diri aku yang bagi aku mungkin dia perlu tahu. Kalau bukan sekarang, bila lagi? this is the time. Mungkin. Ibuku diam dan dengar segala detail. Segala rasa confuse yang aku rengekkan, segalanya. Pasal masa depan aku yang aku harapkan.

Dia senyum dan kata "sayang, we live in the presence. Never dwell on the past. You learn from it, we make mistakes because we're human"

"It's easy for you to say, but sakit for me". Kata aku. "I'm weak"

"Sayang, don't be weak thn. I learn from peoples mistake. I don't learn from mine sebab I'm avoiding myself from making mistakes. You look at people, you learn. Ask yourself is this the life that I want?"

Sambil makan nasi lemak tadi, mata aku mula berkaca. Ayam goreng nasi lemak tadi seakan tersekat di kerongkong. Ini lah padah berbuka 9 pagi.

"You can't depend on people. Never. Walaupun you dah kahwin nanti, you must depend on your own. You kena cari duit sendiri, kerja bagus. Paling penting bila berumah tangga is family background yang baik-baik and a strong religious background. That's why I married your Ayah. Awal-awal gaji ayah was only RM300. I pun sama. But money is something you boleh usahakan. Toleration is the important thing"

Aku diam. Dengar kata-kata ibu. Sambil dengar sempat aku fikir tentang impian aku untuk memiliki Volkswagen Passat dengan Sebuah rumah di Putra heights by the time aku 24. If i waste my time now, tak mungkin aku dapat semua tu.

"I just want to make ayah proud" kata aku. Lalu diam.

"You work and study so hard is for your own. Don't do something you hate just to impress ayah. He will always be proud of you. You are his favourite daughter"

Dengar the last sentence dari ibu aku terus menangis on the spot. Nasib baik nasi lemak aku sempat habis. I hugged her and thanked her for making me feel great. Segala benda yang buat hold aku sebelum ni terus hilang. It's time for me to open a new chapter and start living and plan for my future.

Dan yang paling pasti aku terlalu bodoh untuk tidak have this talk from the beginning.

My mother is one intellectual independent wife and mother. How I wish I could be strong like her.

Selesai semua, dia mengajak aku ke masjid india menaiki LRT bersama.

Today was really special. (Lagi-lagi bila dapat beli kain untuk raya)

Sarah Mohammad.

Somehow..

2011-07-12T22:12:00.003+08:00

I feel very happy.

sarah mohammad.

Entri makan diri.

2011-07-12T12:27:00.001+08:00

I wrote this a year ago. Lucu bila baca balik.

DooBabDapp..

2011-07-02T23:46:00.002+08:00

Akan berpindah ke Kuantan pada 13 July.

dan akan kembali ke Subang September kelak.

I'll be home alone soon. Need to find people yang nak sewa to keep me company.

Kuantan here I come!

Fate.

2011-06-27T21:11:00.003+08:00

Everything we go through in life adalah benda yang dah tertulis. Its already written. Orang kata qada' qadar kau. Your fate atau apa-apa sewaktu dengannya. You can plan your future, and make choices, but to decide sebenarnya bukan dalam tangan kau.

83 percent of humans are predictable creatures of habit who get stuck in routines, lifestyle and addictions or who go through their lives swapping one addiction for another. Ambil contoh paling mudah..shopping mall. The mall is one of the best place to see human nature as its best atau worst depending on how you look at it.

Here in Malaysia, atau let's just say Kuala Lumpur. There are twice as many shopping centers as there are high schools, apatah lagi bilangan masjid atau surau, in other words rumah ibadat. In a society yang sebenarnya cuba menggalakkan rakyat untuk ukur their worth by financial success and material possession, kita lebihkan perbelanjaan, our income on shoes, watches, jewelry than they do on higher education.

Back when manusia masih cuba mencari erti kehidupan, zaman-zaman selepas dinosaur dulu, at one phase, existence was about survival. Full filling basic needs of food, shelter, clothing so it was not like ada better options ke apa untuk hidup. Makanan bukan dari recipe Chef wan, Kasut bukan dari jenama Doc Mart, Clothing didn't come with the capital Z. Little a.r.a

The thing about human, their addicted to products. Habitual consumers. Indulgence abusers. Gratification automatons. Programmed to need and to want and to buy. Blackberry, iPhone 4, iPad, Samsung Galaxy, X-box. distracted by their desires, keinginan untuk memiliki dan dimiliki sepenuhnya atau secara mutlak tak akan kekal on their assigned paths. Atau masa depan yang optimal mungkin. Dan mungkin ini semua juga adalah yang tertulis somewhere out there.

Ia juga salah satu sifat semula jadi manusia untuk underachieve. Tak dapat nak kasi sepenuhnya. There aren't a lot of delusion of grandeur with fate. Kau tak akan tiba-tiba boleh jadi segedang Aaron Aziz atau Se-popular 'Sepah' Maharaja lawak. Dan bila masa depan kau involves with mental illness or drug addiction, I can't really expect any pleasant surprise.

There are moments of decision that will determine if and how they stay on their path. Choices that influence the way they go about living their lives. Sama ada integrity, compassion atau tamak. Dan setiap pilihan yang dibuat requires a reassessment of his or her future. dan setiap pilihan yang di buat, pengakhirannya sentiasa..

SILAP.

Anyway, prolly I'll be moving to Kuantan in July. Biasalah anak askar.

Job hoping pulak la lepas ni. I suck at fitting in new environment.

Any vacancy in Kuantan?

Sarah Mohammad.

Hari bersejarah.

2011-06-20T22:25:00.003+08:00

you alone hold the way out in the grip of your sole ambition.

Hari ni aku naik pangkat.

Jadi cashier..

-_-

obsession dan contradiction

2011-06-09T23:34:00.003+08:00

Setelah lebih kurang 3minggu aku bekerja di 'the world greatest toy store' banyak sangat yang betul-betul membuka mata aku untuk melihat realiti. Pada mulanya fikir aku, aku nak start menulis buku sebab itu salah satu impian aku sebelum aku mencecah umur 25tahun. Namun untuk come out with a book is not easy. And you've got to have a strong knowledge about everything around you from learning ABC to science,architecture, philosophy, literature and so on. So kalau kau nak menulis dengan bagus, kau harus mahirkan diri kau dalam semua ni. And yang paling penting characterization dan jalan cerita. So disebabkan aku belum mahir dalam semua ini, I'm thinking of holding back dulu angan-angan untuk menulis buku dan continue with this "hobby".

Anyway, the first day was hard for me sebab biasalah, new comer, I've got to learn to adapt with the working environment. But Alhamdulillah, everything went so well in the end. And i get to learn how to save money and berjimat and mix with people yang umur muda dan tua. Most important thing yang I find interesting is when you deal with customers and you feel veryy happy when they are satisfied with everything you've done. I feel happy honestly.

Rupa-rupanya the world greatest store which supposed to be happy, fun penuh dengan keriangan kecomelan kemanjaan sebenarnya penuh dengan contradiction. Tak hairan lah sebenarnya kita semua manusia biasa yang mempunyai rasa untuk tidak accommodate with what we dont want and diverge.

Sedang berbual sambil bekerja, dengan pakaian lengkap berwarna merah, which red menandakan sesuatu yang garang, berani dan great. Yang sebenarnya tidak sepatutnya menjadi warna asas kepada uniform di kedai mainan, seorang pekerja yang baru aku kenal 3 hari pada waktu itu mula bercerita tentang diri dia. Budak lepasan matriks yang tampak sangat naive dan persis gaya Einstein walau aku tak berapa mengenali dia, mula cerita tentang dirinya. Semuanya bermula apabila dia dengan hebat sekali mengendalikan I”power surfer” yang betul-betul buat aku teruja. Menurutnya, dia dulu seorang skater. Rambut gaya “Mohawk” dan sangat hebat skate. Dia akan pulang lewat malam ke rumah dan dileteri oleh kedua orang tuanya. Oh, dan yang buatkan aku terkejut, di kedai mainan tu, dia bermain power surfer dgn bertudung labuh. Hebat bukan. Tabik spring.

One thing about the greatest store, yang buat dia lagi kontra adalah lagu. Lagu hard metal seperti avenged sevenfold dan sewaktu dengannya dipasang dengan kuat setelah tiada lagi pembeli didalam kedai. Lagu Westlife “I have a dream” yang berulang kali berputar serta merta tidak kedengaran lagi di corong radio kedai. Ya, tak dinafikan sebab manusia mempunyai satisfaction tersendiri. Dan mungkin itu salah satu cara untuk release tension bekerja dan memuaskan diri, setelah ‘pricing’ cartons of lego boxes.

Dan konklusinya, mereka semua ‘collectors’.

Kecuali aku.

Sehari sebelum

2011-05-25T22:56:00.002+08:00

mula kerja..

Ya Allah sumpahh nervous,

Anxiety breakdown yghjfenkeji.

Sabar Sarah..sabar.. Fuhhhh.

Tolongggg laaaahhh jangan bagi aku jadi benda ni!

If you forget me.

2011-05-23T19:12:00.002+08:00

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

ruang dan jarak

2011-05-22T13:20:00.001+08:00

Manusia memerlukan ruang untuk bergerak dalam apa jua cara sekalipun. Macam proximity between people. Everyone mempunyai proximity yang berbeza dengan orang lain dan mereka jugak mempunyai space yang berbeza dengan kita. Like what we've already know proximity ini boleh dibahagi kepada empat jenis: intimacy, personal, public dan social. Intimacy seperti mana kita tahu adalah ruang antara pasangan suami isteri, kekasih, one night stand atau yang sewaktu dengannya. Ini berbeza pula dengan personal, public dan social. Keempat-empat jenis proximity ini mempunyai jarak masing-masing yang menunjukkan the relationship yang kita ada towards a person. However, in a way an acquaintances which falls in public can langgar masuk pagar personal and vise versa depends on nawaitu masing-masing.

Menurut foucault pula, he came out with heterotopia iaitu satu ruang yang terasing dari norma hidup. Misalnya, taman bunga, kubur, rumah sakit jiwa, perpustakaan dan etc. Heterotopia is way different from proximity tadi, ia satu ruang di mana semua atau segala perkara-perkara yang tak mampu berada di tempat lain melainkan di ruang itu sahaja. Foucault juga mengatakan cermin ialah heterotopia, but the image inside yang tak dapat disentuh dan diluar kenyataan kerana ia bersifat materi, ia adalah utopia. Utopia in the sense of everything we see but can't touch. Everything that is perfect. But the mirror itself adalah bersifat materi, ia wujud, thus itulah heterotopia. Museum adalah heterotopia kerana ia melibatkan pengumpulan artifak-artifak dari seluruh dunia dan dari pelbagai zaman dikumpulkan pada satu ruang.

Tanah perkuburan pula diasingkan dari kawasan-kawasan yang berdekatan dengan yang masih hidup. Dari awal segala yang mati itu seharusnya tinggal jauh dari yang masih hidup. Jadi mereka(yang mati) dikumpulkan pada satu ruang. Ini sama juga dengan taman bunga apabila semua jenis bunga terkumpul pada satu tempat, rumah sakit jiwa dimana hanya orang yang berpenyakit sahaja yang mampu berada di situ, perpustakaan dan lain-lain. Dan bila kita mati, kita bakal meninggalkan semuanya. Segala-galanya, mengapa harus mempunyai batu nisan? Mengapa perlunya tanda di dunia sedangkan ia tidak memberi apa-apa makna di akhirat nanti.

Dalam sebuah perhubungan tak kira antara keluarga, rakan seperjuangan atau kekasih, heterotopia ini boleh wujud. Contohnya berbulan madu. The place where people tend to celebrate on their first night is said to be suci dan harus keluar dari kelompok-kelompok normal, and how the proximity menjadi lebih rapat from 4ft to 0. And how they celebrate their night merupakan satu perkara dua mempelai tadi untuk accommodate bersama untuk menghangatkan malam mereka. Dan dari segala yang disebut tadi maka terhasil lah satu titik persefahaman antara ruang dan jarak between humans.

Carutan ini mungkin berakhir sampai sini.

magis diawal pagi

2011-05-22T09:14:00.000+08:00

Pagi ini, sebaik mata ku terbuka di awal ufuk fajar
Aku ke cermin untuk melihat wajah ku yang baru bangun tidur
Aku melakukan sedikit senaman ringan
Bend to the left, bend to the right.

Aku selak baju tidurku menampakkan sebahagian perutku
Mataku sedari tadi yang belum buka terus menjadi bulat bak JCO donuts
Rupa-rupanya perutku sudah menampakkan 6 petak
Aku berbangga senyum puas.

Berjalan balik ke katil
Sambil melakukan senaman ringan tadi
Bend to the left, bend to the right
Perlahan-lahan aku naik atas katil menyusun bantal sekelilingku
Menyiapkan kubu supaya aku selesa
Dan dalam kiraan 4, aku sudah dibuai mimpi.
Sambil memegang perut 6 petakku.
(Bukan tingkat, tapi petak)

bunyi aircond sayup-sayup kedengaran
Lena aku dibuai mimpi untuk kali ke 4
Pada hari ahad.

utopia

2011-05-22T00:50:00.000+08:00

Senyuman itu menandakan segala kepercayaannya hilang.
Cinta, hidup, rasa dan segala yang wujud sejak azali.
Yang tinggal hanya

Tuhan dan mati.

Cermin didepan memantulkan dan memainkan semula fikir rasa tadi,
Walaupun ianya sebuah ilusi.

Mayday Mayday!!

2011-05-18T21:50:00.004+08:00

Sepanjang cuti 4 bulan ni, YES I REPEAT 4 BULAN NI.. I'm going to have to find a job and at the same time find a hobby or create one, i don't know.. So if anyone wants to offer me a job and rasa nak bayaq best, habaq mai naa. Because I can be depress and start fikir pasal mati and life is so meaningless and what not. So pleasee entertain me!! and that is by.. getting me a job perhaps? Ok tak...

Anyway, today I took my sister out to Mydin untuk buy her Matriks stuff. This is her first time hidup jauh di perantauan. Namun begitu, takde lah jauh sampai ke Kedah, where I went. But Matriks Banting. She'll fit in. I don't know how life in Matriks is so I couldn't give her any advice sangat lah.. Prolly sama je dengan asasi kan?

Whatever it is I am VERY HAPPY that I am done with this semester. Because sumpah hectic nak mati I mean come on why the heck do I need to learn Statistics again? WHY? WHY? WHY? I hate numbers. But I really strive my ass off for that particular paper. I'm just hoping for a miracle, so I don't need to REPEAT statistics next semester.

Talking about hobby, I just started cooking! Just now when I was cooking for dinner, tiba-tiba flashback balik masa first time nak impress my dad with my char kuey teow. Because my dad is a kuey teow freak. So saja nak attention. But during that time I just got back from work, so I was SUPER LAZY AND TAKDE MOOD NAK MASAK WEI. But sebab nak attention punya pasal I gambled..I took the risk! hehe.. and lepas satu suap, my dad said "Sarah, cooking is like an art, if you don't have the mood or you are not interested in it, don't cook!" My kuey Teow was horrible. I didn't even tried, because i knoww! hehehe.. and from that day, I put a lil bit of effort and passion in my cooking and wallaahhh..boleelaaa.. takdelah sampai chef wan, but chef ismail mungkinn..Okay tak..Tipu je.

I really hope that I could find something to do fast during this 4 months break. I would really love to spend time with my friends since dah lama gila tak lepak, lagi-lagi dengan Iz, but in order to lepak, I need cash. In order to have cash, I need to earn it. So gotta work. Ok cut the crapp, I just need to do something not just about the money. If I don't find a job by next week, I'll be dead. Lagi-lagi bila my sister dah pergi matriks. I'm all alonee! Sucks to be me..

Yeah and bila baca balik entry ni rasa macam dah desperate sangat. Bosan gila. Sumpah rasa macam suri rumah yang kesepian, hanya mampu layan sinetron TV3. (nasib baik mak ada astro gitu). Astro is like the 2nd choice, macam if I don't have books to read, than I'll go to Astro. Kesian Astro jadi pihak kedua. Ok see I'm doing it again. Ok bye.

a proclamation

2011-05-16T11:22:00.000+08:00

I don't intend to share fate,
Fate which is a universal loneliness.
I chose you out of the lot of them, but
It won't be long before we're tangled in loneliness again.
Once I really wanted you,
In the vast night, becoming little children again,
We kissed and clung and were never bored,
I felt I could never let you go.
Don't tie your life to mine,
I can't be with anyone for long.
And this, too, I'm writing on board ship,
From the sea that has no name!

:pemberian tahu-chairil anwar.

the mouse and his moose story. muse came last.

2011-05-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

Stood still with a smile
Yeah we could live.

And in disdain we felt dead.
And in denial we lied.

It was all a lie. The muse lied in conscious.
And was surrounded by the laugh.
A body with no soul.

dogma.

2011-05-06T17:05:00.001+08:00

Ia menyakitkan apabila benda yang aku harapkan hilang tak mahu pergi jauh dari akal aku. Persis bayang-bayang yang sentiasa mengekori kau di waktu siang dan malam menjelma dalam mimpi.

Kadang-kadang bila kau tinggal dalam kesakitan yang terlalu lama dan ingin cuba untuk mengubah menjadi satu fantasi, ia membuatkan timbul satu perasaan depresi. Sebab sebenarnya kau rindu kesakitan yang sememangnya wujud dalam diri kau.

Dan walau kau cuba sedaya upaya sehabis tenaga untuk merubah kisah kau dan cuba untuk menghidupkan bibit-bibit yang telah sekian lama hilang, kau tetap tidak boleh menipu diri bahwasanya kau tak mampu dan bakal tertewas dengan perasaan sendiri.

Aku sudah mula bosan dengan zombie yang menagih atau ditagih.

Di atas semua ini, apa yang lagi membenci-kan ialah, bila jiwa aku hampir-hampir terpedaya dan ralat dengan permainan minda aku sendiri.
Promises are just words used by those empty souls, trying to escape from being in the state of denial. What triggers this most is when those promises kena balik.
"senjata makan tuan" ehh.

The real contempt and disdain,

2011-04-24T01:23:00.004+08:00

Being in a complicated situation is something most people hate most. Especially when you are too busy planning for your future. It also triggers your path. And start buat kau paranoid dengan semua benda. At one point, you just want to show your middle finger to the world and say burn u motherfcks.

Its really sad that what you wish to be a part of your life suddenly hilang. Walhal kau dah buat segala bagai untuk make it happen. Sebab its a part of your future. Its in the plan. And suddenly hilang.. And knowing that you tried so hard sepenuh tenaga, tiba-tiba kau dipersalahkan sebab tak cuba lagi to achieve what you 'think' you want.

Put it in simple words, for you to understand, when you think that you have found someone special, and you don't want no one else, don't make a fool of yourself by doing something you know you'll lose. Momentum bercinta tu bukan sekejap tapi sepanjang hayat. People love you for who you are. Why change bila dah rasa agak-agak lama? Dulu lain sekarang lain tu is another piece of shit sebab itu semua 'mind set'.

Just don't make it look like its other people's fault when you know..

this all happened because of you.

Dust is an art.

2011-04-17T23:43:00.001+08:00

tak reti nak pakai warna, untuk buat corak.

biar dull. baru old school.

Bukan penyesalan akhir.

2011-04-15T11:31:00.003+08:00

We humans are one of the wonders of God's creation. Segala persoalan yang terlintas dalam kepala, wujud dan terjawab dalam satu kitab. Segala perbuatan mempunyai penyebab. Dan semua terletak dalam akal fikiran atau 'mind power'.

One day, akan sampai satu tahap penyesalan yang bertubi-tubi. Segala dosa-dosa kau diputarkan semula, sehingga apabila kau sesal dan ingin melakukan taubat akhir, kau terasa diri kau begitu kotor dan terhina membuatkan diri kau seperti makhluk yang separuh manusia, separuh lagi bernafsukan binatang.

You are an individual monster. You create your own character, you try to make it happen and when you are almost there, you destroy. Self-destruction.

Ironinya, apabila kau bangun, perbuatan yang diputarkan tadi diulangi tanpa rasa malu.

Sarah Mohammad.

Yeah, even though you hate it but still, I'll confess..

2011-04-15T00:26:00.001+08:00

"I'm so going to Justin Bieber concert this Thursday"

ohh woo ohhh woo ohhh..

Thanks Ikan.

2011-03-25T09:37:00.001+08:00

La fin.

2011-03-20T22:28:00.003+08:00

How hard can things be even when you're in "deep shit".

When shit happens, it's for you to decide. To hold it and biarkan ia menjadi satu bebanan yang besar dalam jiwa, atau let go. Which kau kayuh atau merangkak perlahan-lahan untuk keluar dari "illusion of grandeur" yang kau mimpi untuk come back to reality.

But if you still nak mourn for the lost which sebenarnya tak pernah ada dalam hidup, tak iktiraf kau setapak tinggi dari the shitness of your life. Life is like the wheel of fortune. Kau gamble dengan semua benda hari-hari. Kalau kau kalah, rugi. The only thing yang tetap is apa yang kau nak. What is fixed. And to get what you want tu satu perjudian. Melainkan kalau kau sendiri tak tahu apa kau nak, which kalau kau tanya aku. Hidup kau lagi teruk dari "deep shit".

To forget the past is not a problem. But the feeling of saat-saat akhir. Pedih. Macam saat-saat akhir untuk hidup. Perhaps? exaggerate sangat..bawah sikit dari mati.

Sarah Mohammad.

Disdain

2011-03-19T08:29:00.004+08:00

The pain. It burns.

Sometimes I wonder, what did I do to deserve this feeling.

where on earth did I go wrong.

Aku kelompokkan penipu, pemutar belit, pembohong dan sewaktu dengannya dalam satu kumpulan yang sama. Which I couldn't accept. How could I?

I hate the feeling when the day turns to dark, and the 'thing' yang berat dalam jiwa seakan memberontak. Meronta-ronta. And when you wake up in the morning, its still there.

Why do I deserve this.. why.

Dunia kita dah tua.

2011-03-11T18:38:00.003+08:00

I googled this picture sempena Japan's earthquake.

Mother earth is getting old.

...

Metaphor sampah.

2011-02-27T17:25:00.003+08:00

Dalam sesebuah hubungan, tak kira keluarga, friendship, pasangan kekasih ataupun kekasih dua alam, atleast sekali mesti ada salah seorang atau dua-dua sekali yang mengkhianati atau bersikap curang. Curang dalam erti kata lain sudah menjadi satu ‘trend’.

Tapi secara sedar ataupun tak, perkara yang paling membunuh is the feeling of betrayal. I don’t know about you guys, but thats the worst feeling for me. Sebab letakkan your position sebagai seorang yang devoted to your partner, and later you caught beberapa sms yang berbaur ‘kinky’. How would you feel?

Another thing is, most people when they are caught, they would give lame excuses, and that is another thing yang boleh mencampakkan garam pada luka dekat dada. Because I’m sure you know your partner like almost 90% walaupun mungkin belum completely kenal, atleast lebih dari half you know his or her personality. Apa dia suka, favourite colour, favourite food, place, ada yang sampai hafal ic, martrix number or even birth certificate.

So, sometimes you know or maybe assume yang your partner was just playing around. Saja for fun or nak bagi thrill. Nak rasa the feeling of ‘walaupun gua ada awek, tapi gua masih laku der’, and apa yang melucukan is when you got caught, terus the macho feeling tu hilang jadi some sort of bunny yang wouldn’t stop hopping in front of your girlfriend or vice versa untuk minta maaf.

The thing is, it’s easy for those yang mengkhianati untuk say that it’s nothing or for fun, but those yang dikhianati tu feels like shit. Macam kena campak tahi dekat muka pun ada. It doesn’t matter sama ada perlakuan itu ada niat mahupun tidak. Tapi curang atau mengkhianati itu salah. Salah!

Peduli pasal social exchange atau penetration atau mana-mana theory lagi, sebab when it comes to this. People couldn’t except mahupun consider.

What I actually wanted to say is dimadukan, diduakan (yang belum kahwin), dibohong, ditipu, dikhianati atau yang sinonim dengan makna-makna yang disebut tadi semuanya menyebabkan semut-semut dalam hati. And all this happens untuk buat kau sedar dari mimpi and come back to reality. Jadi, kalau boleh sebelum nak test market, ingatlah orang tersayang. Sebab kau tahu dia worth dalam hidup kau.

Takda tajuk

2011-02-26T19:29:00.003+08:00

Everything we say sometimes seems contradictory. Mungkin sebab pegangan berubah-ubah. Pegangan kau ibarat pemboleh ubah yang ada banyak probabilities.

Kadang kau terlalu ego untuk mengaku kesalahan kau.

Belajar tentang jenis-jenis theory dekat sekolah buat aku rasa depress day by day. Kadang rasa macam hidup ni tak adil. Manusia sendiri wujudkan theory pada sifat atau keperibadian atau the way you move and interact sesama sendiri. Tapi, kalau tiba-tiba salah satu theory bercanggah, makna kata sifat atau keperibadian etc tadi bercanggah dengan theory A, bagaimana? walhal telah ditetapkan dari mula. Complicated. Tak perlu tanya, cuma kalau nak cakap pasal adil atau tak adil, banyak.

Masih belum sempurna. Masih merangkak mencari personality. Apa yang aku nak sampaikan sebenarnya macam tak reach the point. PMS ni..PMS.

Suara-suara kecil

2011-02-25T02:49:00.002+08:00

Bila kau dah penat 'burn the midnight oil'

rasa macam nak pukul diri sebab belajar saat-saat akhir

dan satu benda pun tak masuk-masuk sejak 8jam dekat kerusi yang dah panas.

you just need one thingg..

Double cheese burger.

call now.

A year older doesn't make you look old.

2011-02-19T22:05:00.004+08:00

But only for certain people..(Yes like Dalin)

18th February (semalam) was Dalin's birthday.

Dalin ni ada magic, why? sebab dia generasi X yang nampak seperti generasi Y.

Ok generasi X is those yang lahir 80an, generasi Y yang lahir 90an (macam kite2) cewahhhh!

hehhehe. Serious, kalau dah selami dia dalam-dalam, langsung tak rasa macam dia nak masuk ke alam barzakh. EH ALAM DEWASA!! 30an gitu. Haihh my baby dah besar :') I wish when I grow old my face would stay the same. please. Ok serious..serious..

This is my Mirdalinie a.k.a Dalin BUKAN DARLING!

Kesian kan, takde cake, lunch pun kena bayar sendiri rokok budak-budak ni saja yang mampu

dijadikan lilin. Salahkan lecturer yang kasi banyak kerja dan barang yang merambangkan mata buat habis duit. Sorry baby.

ok ni sebab batuk, muka nampak tua sikit

(takpe, jgn risau ni camera trick ni)

Fadhil and dalin.

Fadhil, birthday girl and Bun

the boys (bun, sidek,fadhil and warith)

Okay, lastly with me. hehe I love you Dalin.

Happy 29th Birthday!

Semoga mimpi kereta BMW you jadi reality.

(i'll stay with volks Passat)

Sarah Mohammad.

Antologi Surat Cinta Kita (ASCK)-BinFilm

2011-02-15T12:31:00.004+08:00

Masa awal november tahun lepas, I was not in a good mood.

Biasalah, cuti sekolah, maid-less, ada 3 adik yang nak kena mengasuh, seorang adik ambik SPM (membuatkn aku jadi private driver dia) ha yang paling penting, tak bekerja, maka tak ada $$$. Most of my friends semua bekerja dan berjauhan maka aku rasa dah lifeless. Dan kekasih aku pada waktu itu entah hilang ke mana. Sibuk shooting film. I was alonee. All alonee.

The only thing yang aku buat is to read and write. But mostly aku baca others blog atau buku-buku yang tak pernah sentuh dekat rak buku. Tiba-tiba aku tertarik dengan projek terbaru Binfilm. Who is also a blogger,filmmaker dan juga arkitek. (ok dia belajar architecture tapi aku xtahu dia practice ke tak) I know Binfilm dari kekasih aku. Anyway, back to the project yang dia buat, he's publishing a book yang berjudul ASCK, dan mintak sesiapa yang berminat untuk hantar tulisan masing-masing. Kalau terpilih, ada lah dalam buku tu..

Niat aku mula-mula sebenarnya, nak mengisi masa yang bosan. Tak sangka dia pilih untuk publishkan. Anyway, untuk sesiapa yang berminat untuk beli buku Antologi Surat Cinta ni, sila ke website Ridhwan Saidi (binfilm) sendiri. Click sini. Atau boleh email beliau di binfilem@gmail.com. Harga buku ini RM20. This is how the book look like. Ridhwan kata the book masih lagi dalam proses jahitan. "nak bagi lagi kukuh" kata nya.

para penulis ASCK.

Terima Kasih kepada Binfilem. Semoga buku ini mendapat sambutan yang menggalakkan.

Sarah Mohammad.

Our biggest fear.

2011-02-12T20:38:00.002+08:00

(inspired by Have a little faith)

Man likes to run away from God. No matter in which directions.Tuhan itu maha kaya, maha esa. I would hate myself if I think about all the sins I've done. Tapi manusia, biasalah. No one is perfect even if you try to be one. But you have to believe walau tak sesempurna mana pun, you don't really need improvements. That is when people usually kata "terima baik buruk seadanya".

The second death. Athazagoraphobia. The fear when you think no one will remember you when you die. Which is why people are trying hard to be famous. Celebrities feel the importance of being famous. People are too busy to lose weight, masuk pertandingan fear factor, even do something against the law or making fun of themselves just to capture the attention. To be recognize, to be remembered. Young people post their deepest thoughts on their Websites (macam what I'm doing now, which makes me tergolong dalam kelompok ini jugak) run cameras from their bedrooms. It's as if we're screaming. NOTICE ME!!

"Names quickly blur and in times are forgotten"

And I keep cursing myself over and over if I continue saying "manusia..biasalah.."

Our biggest fear..is being forgotten.

Sarah Mohammad.

This year 21.

2011-02-09T12:15:00.010+08:00

Sekarang kita dah ada alasan yang kukuh untuk 'SELALU'

pergi FOREVER 21.

Yesterday 8th February was my Koni's birthday.

She's officially 21, dah boleh daftar untuk mengundi.We had one hella' great night. Sebab separuh, ok tak sampai separuh pun, some of us dapat showed up to make the celebration, ok takde celebration sangat pun, happen. So we hang out dekat Uncle K (SACC Mall) sahaja. Kami tak berapa mampuu sangat.

Kononnya, taknak balik lambat sangat sebab penat class tapi bila dah jumpa kawan-kawan,masa terasa begitu singkat sekali. I miss our sweet time in Kedah. I really do. So, here are some pictures that I sempat ambil. Tak sempat sangat sebab lapaq, malas nak bergambo.

All these donuts Bun dengan Fadhil yang pilih.

and kononnya yang paling pink tu untuk Iz. Euww geliew lew.

Semua tengok Cimok!! MENTANG-MENTANG DAH TURUN 14KILO!!!

Die you sissy boy.

The birthday Girl, and Moi. (me)

Muka macam dah mak-mak.. tsk.

Makan sampai tak ingat dunia.

this is Fadhil and Bun. Fadhil is the only guy yang bukan dari prelaw kedah,

tapi sebab dia matrik dekat Changlun, so ada exception. Boleh dikira

sebagai budak dari Kedah jugak.

So, sempena harijadi Iz yang ke 21, let’s rewind back our memories in Kedah.

Aku rasa gambo2 ni dah banyak kita upload berulang kali, tapi setiap kali aku tengok pun boleh buat senyum sambil berlinangan air mata. Hehe. I love you babe, Happy birthday.

Pre-law Uitm Kedah 2008-2009

Batu Feringgi

WEH SEMUA BADAK BEREBUT MASA BUKA PUASA!

Cimok paling Badak! padahal tak puasa..

Tg.Dawai

Pre-law Dinner 2009

i miss you guys.

That's all I can say, no words could describe, only pictures yang harapnya

dapat buat kau ingat setiap moment we've been through.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY IZDIYANI MUSAWIR"

Sarah Mohammad.

Tiada jodoh disitu.

2011-02-07T22:53:00.003+08:00

Selalunya when you feel like your life ain't that stable, you'll find a way to fix it.

But sama ada kau perasan atau tak, setiap kali kau cuba untuk make it better, mesti ada saja halangan. pathetic bukan?

One of the reason why background blog dan font dia nampak macam meriah sikit, is because "konon-kononnya" lah kan nak start to fix something dan menukar background dan font mungkin satu permulaan. Mana tahu kann..mana tahuu.

Namun begitu, I somehow feel bertambah banyak beban yang dipikul hari-hari. One thing yang aku nak sangat tulis tapi tak pernah tulis is about my car. Kami memang tiada jodoh. Setiap kali aku bawak mesti dia cari pasal. Dari pada radiator bocor sampailah ke tayar pancit, bumper relai dan lain-lain lagi. Aku rasa aku dah cukup berhemah memandu. Tapi apakan daya, tiada jodoh.

Oh you know the worst part is kan, kalau kereta break down masa raya cina ni. Pergh! semua kedai tutup! Jadi go figure aku dgn that "tukul" (I really don't know what you call it) dalam tangan sambil garu-garu kepala.

Siapa nak belikan volkswagen Passat dekat aku. I'll say I love you. heheh. Plis la.

Sarah Mohammad.

Pimp my blog.

2011-02-06T17:51:00.001+08:00

Rasa macam baca komik dekat Kinokuniya!

Quick note.

2011-02-06T17:29:00.006+08:00

For every word that are unsaid

For every action that did not take

For all the reason that couldn't be made

And last but not least..

For the chances that couldn't take.

Valentines in advance.

Portishead.

2011-02-06T17:06:00.002+08:00

Reciprocity.

2011-01-29T00:21:00.006+08:00

Law of reciprocity is about give and take. About causes and effects. Giving and receiving favors. And honestly, through my experience it comes to success only if your heart wants it. For instance, when you're in a relationship, both parties wants something that could benefit both. Macam I give you my love and I expect you to give me back sama like I kasi you. Tapi andaikata salah seorang tak satisfied maka automatik law of reciprocity itu gagal sama sekali. And that relationship will end up with a sad goodbye atau pun a hatred goodbye. You choose.

This on the other hand, which I feel yang sebenarnya can be achieved only for certain people where you sendiri have set your mind bukan hati on it. Makna kata for certain people yang you rasa you should have this reciprocity. Sebabnya once it's a success, all your effort you kasi sehabis tenaga untuk dapatkan balik reward tu buatkan you had enough. And if it fails, contoh macam that relationship fails to achieve reciprocity, a situation when a girl kept telling her boyfriend everything about her, which does not interest her boyfriend at all dan menyebabkan si boyfriend shut his mind off her. So tak terima lagi any info yang datang dari mulut si girlfriend, dan akhirnya habis sampai situ sahaja. The guy knows everything about the girl tadi but the girl knows nothing about her boyfriend. So tiada reciprocity maka goodbye.

And to build new ones with new people is one hard thing. Bukan mudah macam belajar ABC. Mungkin senang sikit dari belajar French tapi hakikatnya tak semudah yang disangka. Like a boyfriend saying "I want you to forget about him completely" pehhh.. dan hati kau berbisik "what? like you own me now?" see reciprocity tu dah tak ada so macam through your experience, you learn. And memang betul tak rugi mencuba for the best, seandainya your heart wants it. And what control your feeling is your mind which is your brain. Human mind is very powerful yet dangerous. Sebab hari ni you can say "i love you" esok you can say "not anymore"

Law of reciprocity can be on hold sekejap for certain reasons. Why? because people still have the so call "toleration" But when it reaches its point, it'll soon die sooner or later. In the end no one can decide and truth is, no decisions can be made. Reality said so.

Senang kata macam ni lah. It's really not easy to be in a relationship. For those who are still looking for soulmate ke apa, cari betul-betul. Because kalau you main hentam, you'll get a hentam relationship. You have to banyak sabar and think menggunakan akal fikiran bijak kau tu untuk kenal manusia mana yang kau selesa dan selesa jugak dengan kau. Being in a relationship needs a lot of commitment. If the relationship tu ada law of reciprocity ni, which kau dapat balik apa yang kau beri, maka sukses sudah dan kau dah berjaya. Tapi kalau vice versa bangun lah dari mimpi, dan bergerak lah ke hadapan.

"All parties must benefit from the relationship and invest in the relationship and acts must be mutually rewarding otherwise it creates an imbalance in reciprocity. When someone is the primary giver, they often expect they will receive in kind from the receiver or eventually from someone else in the world at another time."

This entry is a bit confusing sebab banyak emotion sangat. Having your own dramas everyday sometimes nak buat you gelak. and sometimes it hurts kan? If only you can just give your middle finger and your problems could be settled macam tu sahaja memang best.

Sarah Mohammad.

Secret.

2011-01-23T01:27:00.001+08:00

Saya seorang pemalu.

I would do anything to cover my face bila malu.

sorok belakang orang, tutup muka dengan buku atau senyum sampai muka merah.

saya seorang pemalu.

sekian.

Double the pressure.

2011-01-20T21:48:00.003+08:00

Everything is way different now. Susah sebenarnya untuk faham diri kau sendiri. Honestly, selama 21 tahun ni pun, I don't really understand myself. Sebab thoughts, feelings dan pegangan hidup kau berubah-ubah. Alah, manusia kan, mana pernah cukup, mana pernah puas.

Manusia ni pelik kau tahu, selalunya dia akan buat apa sahaja untuk dapatkan kepuasan atau untung pada diri sendiri. Tapi, dalam masa yang sama ada yang fikir demi kesenangan orang lain. Macam konon-konon nak jadi tulang belakang, walhal dia sendiri tak teguh tu. Mungkin kesenangan orang lain tu boleh kasi dia satisfaction.

Anyway, tahun baru ni, semester ni betul-betul kasi satu tamparan yang mendalam. Baru bulan satu, I really hope that whatever comes ahead could be settled easy. I need to get back on track. I need that deans list! hehehe.

Btw, semester ni I registered kokurikulum for commercial music. And that guy said "siapa tak ada basic main musik, boleh main kompang". adoiiii..siapa nak kahwin? kasi i main kompang untuk wedding u olls. plis.

5

2011-01-15T00:55:00.003+08:00

Saat ini, aku cuma memikirkan tuhan.

yang lain, pergi jahanam.

What's left unsaid.

2011-01-12T22:54:00.000+08:00

"Old times" never come back and I suppose it's just as well. What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that's better.

George E. Woodberry.

Dear women.

2011-01-10T23:10:00.000+08:00

Tua dalam badan muda. HAHA

2011-01-08T17:07:00.005+08:00

I love you Dalin.

despite muka macam budak form 3,

I tetap sayang you.

P/s: i hate Bun for always sibuk in ALL our pictures.

(itu kaki Bun)

Unexplained Noises.

2011-01-08T16:49:00.002+08:00

"Kadang-kadang aku fikir sebab aku masih berada di tempat aku sekarang hanya berdasarkan rasa hormat yang ada pada kau. Tapi sampai satu tahap aku berhenti, dan tinggalkan kau dan mereka yang lain. Kau betul-betul trigger tahap sabar yang ada pada seorang anak. Namun tak mampu aku menghakimi."

Bisik suara-suara kecil dalam kepala.

:')

2011-01-05T21:53:00.001+08:00

"Eh2, aku macam nak sedekah IKEA catalogs yang ada kat almari tu sekali. Dapat dosa ke pahala?

"IKEA catalogs tu memang aku rasa tak sesuai, lagi sesuai untuk kau je kot"

rasa macam nak makan meatballs lah. haha.

jamais..

2011-01-05T20:05:00.002+08:00

I've always wanted to learn French. Believe me, I seriously do. So this semester, 3rd language is a must. And obviously I registered French. I didn't sleep last night because I was too excited to learn and afraid if I got up late and wouldn't make it to class.

Mr. Alexandre Xavier asked each one of us why French. Why not other language. It's not easy for me to answer that question honestly. I just feel that French sounds sexeyhh bebeh. And beautiful. French is a romance language. Boleh romen. hehe ok tak, itu tipu.

"Bonjour, je' mapelle Sarah" When I start pronouncing this sentence cukup buat myself happy untuk beberapa saat. Serious.

Unfortunately, when I was in my communication research class, a friend of mine told me that my name was registered in Arabic class. Memang BEST LAH WEI! ARAB LAH WEI ARAB! Ya habibi Ya maulana!

So I checked at the office and tried to registered French class back, but it was FULL! Awesomeness! macam nak nangis pun ada. Rajinikanth will say "cool" in my face!

Lepasni, Memang hari-hari I cakap "Ismahli ya ustazah, ana uridu azhabu lillahilhamam"

(sambil buat muka belacan)

I love it when all hopes and dreams kena crush. Sebab sama macam biskut Tiger yang kena crush. Cuma bezanya, biskut boleh cicah milo. Sedap.

Kalau hati?

Thanks Mr. Alexandre Xavier, walaupun sesaat. Cukup bermakna. :D

Sarah Mohammad.

True love is the odds?

2010-12-30T22:46:00.006+08:00

I've come a cross this beautiful "click sini" yang selama ni susah untuk put it in words bagi terang dan nampak. But this really killed me.

I'll go with Love is in an odd number.

It had always been like that.

Usually, unfortunately most of us will fall deeply with the first person where all the love and feelings dah bina between both. But bila something went wrong and the relationship ended, "we" (tak kira laki atau perempuan) will in a relationship with someone yang memang "we" know love us most and dapat full attention.

But "we" sebenarnya secara tak sedar use them untuk forget "our" past. Sebab hakikatnya, kita in denial. Confuse. Dan mula lah kita buang that 2nd person tadi untuk the 3rd person yang kita jumpa dan the feeling yang sama mcm the 1st one akan bina.

The even numbers tadi is merely to forget all the pain, past which can help you bangkit kembali. Mungkinlah.

And it rotates. the 1st, 3rd, 5th and all odd numbers are the one yang we usually betul-betul serious.

and the 2nd, 4th, 6th dan even numbers yang lain are the one yang sebenarnya love "us" moree, which automatically make "us" as their odd numbers.

Senang cerita, lepasni tanya dulu "eh saya ni orang yang ke berapa sebenarnya?"

But to me, it is better to find someone who loves u more rather thn you yang gila bayang tak beragak? kan? kannn?

Sarah Mohammad.

Well done Fahmi! ehh MALAYSIA!

2010-12-29T22:58:00.003+08:00

Well done boys!

Lepasni semua orang sibuk mintak cuti dekat PM.

Haha.

Jadi golly pun hensem.

Despite muka yang memikat hati kebanyakan wanita termasuk saya,

Fahmi really captured the lime light when he saved almost ALL goals!

Congrats to malaysian players.

Who's the man now!

hehe. Okay, okay Bandung BEST!

Sarah Mohammad.

When it comes to love, everything is Purrrr-fect!

2010-12-27T18:10:00.003+08:00

Sometimes what you believe all this while can be so tricky that it automatically changes your perception on it.

Once, I believe that true love does not jump around. People can't possibly fall in love with another if he already have one. I never trusted that.

Love don't jump, they fade. They stay but without working it together you'll lose it. And they build new ones. with new people who wants it together. That's how love works.

Love is not being left alone.

Love is magic, and confusing and hard.

At the same time makes you go crazy.

Falling in love maybe easy,

but falling in love with the right person is something you should think twice or more.

You don't want to be left alone in the end feeling stupid don't cha?

Ohh..worst, when you have to start everything from scratch. Again.

Sarah Mohammad.

Pantai mimpi

2010-12-23T18:13:00.002+08:00

Perahu-perahu jauh berlayar

left us without any notice, sound.

angin daratan terus mencintai lautan

dan burung-burung menghilang vanished in the skies

tinggalkan bayang-bayang 'kita'.

as the day turns to dark

the sands made no sound

dan kita hanya berdua disana.

memejam mata.

menyelami tanda-tanda.

A trip to remember.

2010-12-22T22:21:00.009+08:00

I just got back from Bandung, and it was the BOMB! the last time we went holiday with the whole family was like..neverr?? Sadly, there was not enough time for shopping, sebab once kita bergerak dalam kumpulan yang besar, ada banyak ragam. So, follow the leader. However, I really had FUN. I don't know nak cakap FUN macam mana. Here are some pictures of my family in Bandung.

All I can say is, i really had fun. Bandung ROCKS! Factory Outlet is my 2nd Home. Okay, tidur..tidur..

Sarah Mohammad.

Magic that works.

2010-12-15T21:57:00.003+08:00

Relationship aku dengan bapak aku dari aku sekolah sampai sekarang tak lah dingin, tapi the best word to describe is that we're never on the same boat. Ada saja yang tak betul. Hakikat sebenarnya kalau fikir-fikir balik, I am a vision of him. His reflection. Shadow.

Tulah, lambat laun, apa yang bapak aku cakap eventually "selalunya" mesti aku setuju.

Salah satu contoh is that my dad always wanted me to pakai tudung. I know its a good thing, bapa siapa yang tak nak anak dia bertudung. Macam alasan bapak-bapak lain yang nak anak dia bertudung sama je dengan my dads alasan. Siap bagi hujah. Macam dulu kalau nak buat karangan ke apa kena ada fakta, elaboration dan contoh.

But biasalah, I've always have things against him. Nak pakai tudung memang lah mudah, ambik kain sarung kepala je. Even non-muslims cover their hair. Oh celebrities too. But one thing yang paling penting sebelum pakai tudung is u have to have the heart to wear it. Betul-betul faham kenapa perempuan islam kena pakai tudung. Kena faham konsep itu dulu. Akhlak paling penting. Taknak lah orang kata "Ahh pakai tudung tapi perangai macam ....." (go figure) so you see, wearing tudung is wajib, so is sembahyang 5 waktu. Pada masa tu, aku fikir akhlak dulu, baru benda wajib.

Untill pertengahan cuti semester, i have the eagerness untuk pakai sangat tudung, tapi masih berkira-kira. Sebab akhlak aku ni takdelah baik gila. So macam paranoid, tak faham kenapa, mungkin banyak fikir masa cuti. Jadi aku pedulikan perasaan tu. But dalam masa yang sama, i googled hukum memakai tudung, I learned and try to understand deeply, kenapa perempuan wajib bertudung. I watched commercials, I read books yang dekat MPH islamic section. tapi tak beli lah, sebab takut rasa macam hipokrit gila minah ni heklahh. So at that time it was really tough for me, sebab banyak gila benda kena take into account.

About your solat, about your habits, about your pergaulan, about your akhlak, tanggungjawab dan banyak lagi lah. Untill one day, aku dah tak peduli semua tu. I've got to do what I've got to do. What's worth waiting? I know that if i don't start now, I wont start forever. Sebab aku kenal diri aku, once dah start excited in doing something, kalau aku tak terus buat dan tunggu lagi, momentum dia cepat gila hilang.

So, I've successfully cover my head. Sempena awal muharram. Azam baru, niat baru, semua barulah. Semoga pointer sem baru ni pun akan bertukar BARU jugak.

One thing I learned, if you want to do something good, just go for it, why wait. Because in the end, well there's no in the end. You'll just be you.

It's never to late to do something nice and sweet.

I'm eager to understand more.

It's a magic that works.

Hi. :)

Sarah Mohammad.

Sunyi

2010-12-15T21:56:00.001+08:00

Antara hidup

dan kembang kuncup,

Sunyi bertiup sayup.

Chairil Anwar

2010-12-12T23:19:00.003+08:00

Hampa.

kepada sri

Sepi di luar. Sepi menekan mendesak.
Lurus kaku pohonan. Tak bergerak
Sampai ke puncak. Sepi memagut,
Tak satu kuasa melepas-renggut
Segala menanti. Menanti. Menanti.
Sepi.
Tambah ini menanti jadi mencekik
Memberat-mencekung punda
Sampai binasa segala. Belum apa-apa
Udara bertuba. Setan bertempik
Ini sepi terus ada. Dan menanti.

-Chairil Anwar

Quotation of the day.

2010-12-07T16:07:00.001+08:00

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."- Marilyn Monroe

Selamat Tahun Baru

2010-12-07T00:15:00.000+08:00

Salam maal hijrah.

It's not human nature you B***ard.

2010-12-05T23:03:00.003+08:00

Now, it's hard to differentiate what's normal and what's not. Keyakinan dan kepercayaan tu dah tak mutlak lagi. Sekarang cuba kau bagitahu apa yang kau sebenarnya nak.

I am not able to think dengan kesemua stage akal fikiran aku.

How do you define perfect.

Who are you, anyways?

what have you become? atau want me to learn this all over again.

My oh my, where did I go wrong.

Siapa kata Rajinikanth tak popular?

2010-12-04T18:59:00.004+08:00

Mari mendalami Ranjinikanthism.

Anda tidak akan menyesal.

Untuk mengetahui kehebatan beliau dengan lebih dalam sila Jangan Tak Sila. KLIK SINI.

Semoga bergembira dunia akhirat.

Perbualan generasi intelek

2010-12-03T19:59:00.002+08:00

Di Starbucks Taipan Usj

(sekumpulan budak-budak SPM berkumpul untuk "menelaah" chemistry untuk paper hari Isnin)

A : "Lepas belajar, aku nak kerja doh, dapat duit"

B: "Yeah.. aku dah malas belajar dah ni, tak sabar sial nak habis paper"

A: "Tu ah, aku nak kerja dengan Boss yang KAYA!"

C: "Mana ada Boss MISKIN doh! Semua Boss kaya, Kalau tak, tak jadi Boss ah"

A-Z (A-Z merujuk kepada semua budak dekat table tu) : "Betul..betul.."

Aku cuma mampu senyum-senyum tahan gelak. (tahan kencing jugak)

"Bila laa..aku boleh jadi Boss ni"

Monologue

2010-12-02T11:17:00.001+08:00

I swear I'm never chopping you off again.

promise.

Excitement in the same time fear.

2010-12-02T09:24:00.004+08:00

Is falling in love. Because once you fall, you've gotta make sure you stay in love as a matter of fact, "with the same person". It's easy to fall in love. People question, I myself question sometimes "how can you fall in love with another person, when at the same time you're in love?"

Easy,

"A person who is good at words and a huge sense of humor, really captures my heart"

I know its not easy to be funny or philosophical all the time to impress someone you like. Don't put your relationship on idle. Never on hold. Communication plays an important part here.

Falling in love is exciting, best gila. Tak susah, senang. Mudah sangat. But you should fear this feeling, celebrate if you want, but ya know, in the end you'll be dead.

Falling in love which buat kau angau, mandi tak basah, tidur tak lena, makan tak kenyang tu kejap je. Tunggu lah bila dah lama, sikit je. All the sparks dah hilang, sebab people have something else to do rather than mengorat everyday. So senang kata, don't take the risk to fall in love 'again' bila you're in a relationship no matter how tough the condition you are in. Sebab it actually could be considered as menyusahkan semua orang including yourself.

If you feel your lover is an agapic lover. You might wanna consider to be more interesting and funny.

siapa nak mengorat

2010-12-02T00:17:00.003+08:00

kena kasi Toblerone honey and almond nougat,

yang paling besar

lepastu kita keluar dating naik beca.

Email saya!

Dulu's story.

2010-11-28T00:57:00.003+08:00

Dulu was 2008.

Dulu really had me crazy.

Like smiling day and night.

Felt like being voodooed Dulu.

Like falling and staying in love every second.

Dulu's Electric was really strong, tarikan lebih strong from magnet.

My thoughts was strong too, baru fikir ehhh dah ada.

But dulu was dulu, and sekarang is sekarang.

Why can't sekarang be like dulu?

Bau Buku Baru

2010-11-27T23:16:00.003+08:00

Sambil tutup mata.

Seperti hilang di balik awan.

Sesat.

Confuse. Kiamat.

Best doh.

God Iva

2010-11-27T11:51:00.003+08:00

If you're sick, you might want to see the doctor

But if you're experiencing a pain in your chest,

Sharp and enduring.

But recurring. In greater frequency.

You don't need help from Ambrose with his stewart.

Because the best cure ever is..

Godiva.

Goddess of Iva,

I'll stop the world and melt with you.

Superhero in you.

2010-11-27T00:03:00.002+08:00

"There is this thing you can do, a thing that you can do like no other person in the planet. That makes you special, but being special really doesn't mean anything. You still have to get dressed in the morning. Your shoelaces still break. Your lover will still leave you if you don't treat her right".

Ease your swings.

2010-11-15T23:58:00.001+08:00