Magic Hour

This time around, things aren't going so well. Segala benda berkecamuk, kertas-kertas kerja yang tak putus, environment yang tidak begitu sihat dan fate.. Fate tidak menyebelahi aku.

Dan yang paling membunuh segala perasaan dan rasa adalah

Rindu.

***

Sudah hampir sebulan aku tidak berjumpa dengan ibu mahupun ayah, apatah lagi mendengar pekikan adik-adik yang kian meningkat remaja.

Living by yourself make you realize how hard life is. Selama ini mereka tempat kau bergantung harap dalam segala benda; money, shelter, security and love. Dan sekarang semuanya kosong. Its like living alone in this world. Being independent is not easy after all. Worst, at this age.

Sejak kecil, my father never let me do things alone. I have to obey all the rules and regulations. His rules, his regulations. I couldn't go out and experience the world. I was with him. With them most of the time. I was pampered. I was spoiled.

Kadang-kadang, aku malu memberi alasan kepada rakan-rakan yang ingin mengajak aku 'memegang dunia' bersama mereka ketika aku baru ingin menikmati alam remaja. Honestly, my teenage life aren't as fun as them. I was a criminal back then, but I know my limits. Because I have my father. Who'll never leave me and would check on me every second. Yes, second.

I felt unloved back then. Unfair. Unappreciated. Worst, I felt trapped.

**

"Mama, belum tidur?" aku bertanya setelah masuk kedalam biliknya yang masih terang tepat jam 1 pagi.

My mother attended a meeting in Port Dickson for 3 days, and she came home for Raya Aidil Adha yang akan kunjung beberapa hari lagi.

She was reading a book pengalaman di Mekah, I went right up on her bed and smuggle myself right next to her.

"Come here a bit" dia berkata sambil menarik kepala aku yang semakin berat ke atas lengannya. She still thinks I'm small. She didn't even realize how heavy my head was.

Aku memeluknya erat dan pejam mata. We both remain silent. I don't know whether its an awkward moment or something you don't want to spoil. Its like magic. Magic hour. Aku dengar dengan teliti how her heart beats fast. It was really fast until my heart follows her beat. Sambil mendengar aku membuat kiraan aku sendiri. 1..2..1..2..1..2..

Leher aku mula berasa kejang, lenguh akibat tidak selesa namun aku masih tidak mahu membetulkan posisi aku. I don't want to spoil this. I want this moment to stop. Jikalau aku mempunyai kamera pada masa itu, sudah pasti aku akan set timer dan mengambil saat-saat bahagia seperti itu. Dan semestinya frame gambar itu. It would be the most beautiful picture ever.

Tangan kanan ibuku memegang buku, tangan kirinya memeluk aku dengan erat. Kadang dia menepuk-nepuk seperti ingin menyuruh aku lena diatas lengannya. Aku sengaja memejamkan mata, ingin menikmati saat itu. Sesekali aku garu kepalaku yang tidak gatal, setiap kali aku membuat pergerakan, dia akan menepuk-nepuk aku kembali. It was sweet. Very. Really.

I then realized it was hard for her to turn the page of the book she was reading, because I was "sleeping" on her other hand. Namun dia masih membiarkan aku berbaring disitu dan menyelak buku itu dengan jari-jarinya.

Aku mendengar bunyi pernafasannya dengan teliti, it was better than music. It was relaxing. All the burdens I carried was gone. Vanished. Dan aku tahu, kepala berat aku membuatkan tangan kirinya lenguh. But still, she didn't complain and didn't made any move. Dia masih memelukku erat, semakin erat sehinggakan kepala aku rapat ke dadanya.

I had to say something.. I just had to, but nothing came out.

*

"Mama, I need to continue on my studying now"

"Okay, basuh kaki and brush your teeth before bed" she said.

Aku senyum dan memberikannya kucupan untuk malam itu, she still thinks I'm her little girl. I'm her little girl..Little girl.

Aku mengusap-usap rambutnya yang hampir putih itu dan sempat membisikkan i love you mom

lalu meninggalkan biliknya.