For your eyes only

Sejak akhir-akhir ini, memang tidak dinafikan hujan turun selebat-lebatnya. Badan menggeletar menahan sejuk angin luar yang menyelinap masuk perlahan melalui kaca tingkap yang bertingkat, sayup-sayup kedengaran bunyi penghawa dingin yang di set kan kepada auto dengan bersuhukan 16 dajah Celsius.

Hari itu, aku bertekad untuk membuka mata secara automatik seperti penghawa dingin tadi. Tiada timer yang telah di set kan kepada auto-off. Let it run. Biarkan mata tertutup rapat and wake up on its own. 

Air dari langit tak henti-henti turun membasahai tanah. Sekarang tidak terlalu lebat seperti tadi, tapi terus menerus tidak henti-henti mengalirkan air. "Ping" sama seperti nada watsapp messenger yang masuk bertalu-talu sedari subuh. Dengan keadaan yang separuh sedar, I tend to ignore the noise. Dan kembali masuk ke alam mimpi. 

It was a major hit suddenly or I call it as the sense of touch. Di mana kau memerlukan satu hentakan setelah sekian lama berada di suatu titik dan tidak berkembang. When you start to give up atau dalam erti kata lain hilang faith. Dan qada' dan qadar itu semakin lama semakin suram. Tanggungjawab terhadap tuhan dah lama kau tinggalkan.

**

"I was sleeping, but just about 2 minutes I dream of being hit, the feeling when we were hit the other day" lalu menekan butang send.

"The impact kejadian haritu? I need to settle some documents, I'll get back to you". He replied.

**

Dengan suasa yang masih mellow, aku mencapai sebuah buku yang dah lama ingin aku khatamkan. But time, I just need to make time this time. And we keep on saying we need more time when we have time.

Setelah menyelak beberapa muka surat sehingga helaian terakhir 114. Setiap perkataan yang digunakan, setiap ayat yang disebut, jalan cerita si penulis menceritakan dengan meletakkan perasaan pause, rewind, fast forward dan akhirnya stop. Sekali lagi memberikan perasaan sense of touch tadi, namun dalam keadaan yang berbeza. Keadaan sedar dan realiti.

Dan tak lain, tak bukan. "love" which eventually wins. Most of the time. Everytime. 

Pada waktu itu, semuanya tentang hati dan perasaan. Dia bercerita tentang kenangan, tentang kisah silam yang penuh kemanisan, tentang hati dan perasaan. 

Tidak pasti sama ada hatinya terusik atau pun keliru dengan pertalian yang terjalin tercabar. Mendengarkan cacian si dia tentang hari-harinya dan depresi yang ditanggung tanpa mempedulikan harinya. 

Terkadang dia sengaja ingin bersikap keanak-anakkan dengan mengajak melakukan rutin seperti awal-awal bersama.

"Let's play a game" katanya. 

Dan belum sempat dia menghabiskan ayat, "You please, we're too old for that now, let's just eat okay" dan setelah rasa seperti orang yang bodoh merasakan bahawa semuanya tidak se-fun seperti dahulu lagi. Aren't we supposed to feel happy dan tak bosan dari awal sampai sekarang?

"Well, yeah happy birthday". Katanya.

Ada kalanya, lagu-lagu keroncongnya dendangan M.Nasir kedengaran. Dan setiap irama di-relate kan dengan puisi atau tulisan-tulisan yang agung. Dan lagu-lagu itu di mainkan berulang kali. Berulang kali.

Tapi, mereka jarang serasi. Setiap kali harus ada perbincangan, menegakkan pendirian sendiri. Tapi dalam hati masing-masing tetap mengagumi dengan pendapat masing-masing. She loves to find a way to start a fight. That was when she got all the attention that she craved for. Pergaduhan itu sentiasa berlarutan sehingga si perempuan dapat dictate. 

"you semamangnya superior" kata si lelaki.

Walaupun there isn't any reason to fight, hakikatnya mereka gilakan antara satu sama lain. Madly. In. Love.

**

"I'm coming to pick you up than we're fetching the kids mengaji" katanya.

Sewaktu dalam perjalanan ke kelas Fardhu Ain itu, dia hanya diam fokus kepada pemanduannya. 

"How was your day" perkataan pertama yang keluar dari bibirnya. Sambil mengukir senyuman.

Setelah ke empat-empat adiknya masuk ke dalam kereta dari kelas Fardhu Ain tadi, dia meminta mereka membacakan doa menaiki kenderaan. Aku senyum sedikit tersentuh dengan kemerduan mereka adik beradik. Seperti koir nasyid. Indah dan merdu, walaupun hanya doa menaiki kenderaan.

Sekali lagi aku disedarkan dengan the sense of touch pada hari itu. 

"Cinta itu tak wujud tanpa pegangan agama"

Tapi still everything has a reason bukan?

Alif.

"do you believe in miracle" katanya. 
sewaktu kami sedang mengopi cantik di oldtown sekitar subang jaya.
Ia sebenarnya melucukan, perkataan miracle itu sendiri telah di implement pada setiap manusia. In any ways. Everything you see is a miracle.

"Miracle itu sekarang" tapi tak dapat aku mengatakan atau menerangkan kepadanya dengan detail. Pada hakikatnya, segalanya contradict. It's funny apabila kau yang selama ini mempunyai satu prinsip. Segalanya telah kau aturkan satu per satu dan disebabkan satu miracle tadi yang datang, semua perancangan tadi berubah. Ironinya, perubahan itu lebih menyenangkan. "Things happens accordingly when you stop planning"

Love. Perkataan yang acap kali diungkapkan dalam setiap perhubungan. Namun Love itu dalam erti kata lain aku kelompokkan dalam dua kategori sama ada ia perasaan sayang, atau suka. Sayang memerlukan commitment. Suka dalam erti kata lain lust. Is either you want to love someone atau hanya demi lust.

Pemilihan. "Sarah, don't think to much, go with the flow. Kalau tak you'll just ended up being single with 27 cats" Miracle.. there's one entry before I wrote about law of reciprocity, causes and effects.

Reciprocity hanya akan muncul for the ones yang mampu give and take. Understanding.

responding to a positive action with another positive action, rewarding kind actions. As a social construct, reciprocity means that in response to friendly actions, people are frequently much nicer and much more cooperative than predicted by the self-interest model; conversely, in response to hostile actions they are frequently much more nasty and even brutal. Reciprocity is considered as a strong determining factor of human behavior

**
Dan seperti hari-hari biasa, aku membaca status di Twitter dan Facebook. One of it caught my attention.
"Do not easily get attached. Attachments lead to expectations, expectations lead to dissapointments" 

What does not lead to dissapointment in this world? unless kalau kau tuhan dan mahukan segala perancangan kau the way you wanted. Rich people don't feel happy. They have money they could have anything they want, but are they happy? aren't they attached? attached to their job.

Attachments is not just in a relationship, tapi dari segi setiap pemilihan yang kau lakukan. So what if you failed? Bagi aku, the core yang kau perlu tahu adalah apa yang kau sebenar inginkan dalam dunia ini. Of course you need a vision in life, dan jika kau terlampau desperate, at one point when you fail, it leads to dissapointment. Nampak tak hubungan dissapointment dengan pemilihan?

The world is a miracle itself, you can't really predict anything, today you might say no, tomorrow you might say yes. Pendirian memang penting, tapi manusia berubah bukan? perubahan berlaku setiap saat dalam hidup dalam apa jua cara.

I find miracle when I stop planning  "what if".. dan ia benar-benar menghilangkan perasaan depresi yang tertanggung sejak sekian lama.

Contradiction is beauty if you see it from the opposite side.

Dan untuk waktu sekarang, I am celebrating everything yang datang, baik mahupun buruk. Dissaponitments can be avoided by options. Options are controlled by you.

Alif. "kawan rapat" atau huruf pertama yang kita belajar dalam Al-Quran. Simbol Allah yang Esa.
Miracle bukan?

I hate numbers except 5.

As long as I remember, I always hated numbers. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 .. why must they invent these aliens? I think those who knows me well, know how suck I am with numbers, numeric, numerical, digits, those 1 2 3 + - sifir darab haa % satu lagi! 

The reason I took up law and Masscomm is because I 'thought' that numbers won't be in my dictionary. Maths and addmaths are the 2 most hated subjects in school. Economics and Accounts so-so lah but still never were my favorite. Never in life I favor those subjects. Unfortunately....... life is about numbers. I still had a few calculations during pre-law. Have it too during my Masscomm years. Even in the movie Taken 2, he was counting masa kena kidnap! the heck?!

And now, I'm doing my internship under marketing department which obviously involve numbersssszz. So, as I am now a "number lover", I relate things with numbers. Ok not all but number 5. My lucky number.

I like 5 because it look like an S. S for Sarah. But 5 is freaky. Sebabnya, if you think back kan, you'll feel the acah-acah dewasa feeling or that paranoid dah tua feeling. I don't know how to put this but still feel like writing on this, I have not write for years, don't really know how to put this. But here it goes..

Remember masa you were 5 years old? maybe most people have forgotten, but I remember. I feel like a 7year old kakak. 7 to me was old that time. When I was 5, I start to eat chili sauce. I had my sausages and nuggets with chili sauce. Dulu, makan cili sos tu dah macam kakak-kakak lah. So there, 5 is when everything started. 

5 years later..I was 10. Being in standard 3 dulu, was a big thing. Serious, sebab ada PTS. Walaupun i did not sat for it, but I felt so grown up. Tambah lagi dah jadi pengawas sekolah (percubaan), than 5 years after I was 15. 15 i was one spoil kid yang dah pandai nak bersosial mcm sial. I remember I really gave my parents a heart attack back then. When I was 15, I always give those cliche line like in those typical American movies.. "I'm 15 for god sake! give me a break!" Padahal 15 tahun tu macam alaahh..anai-anai lagi. But to me (don't know about u) I was a grown up lah. 

Sampai lah 20 tahun. (adding another 5 years) 20 tahun memang satu cabaran. Lagi-lagi ada angka 2 dekat depan. I'm used to number 1 for 19years. Tiba-tiba angka depan jadi 2. Rasa banyakkan? Rasa apa? tua... When I was 20, that's when I start to have all this freaky thoughts about this and that.. I question almost everything, I don't agree about almost everything either. I was the so called Ms-knows-it-all. Walaupun orang tak bagi the title, I title-kan sendiri. 

And as I observe, people who reach 25, dah mula fikir pasal kahwin and stuffs, about having a family, about buying a house, about getting a job with higher salary, about groceries, about whatever.. and become paranoid if they don't achieve those things in life. And adding another 5 years, their 30. So go figure lah, how those 30 year old people feel like. I don't want to assume, because I have not reach that age, I have not even reach 25. 

But, ironically, when they reach 40. Some said "life begins at 40" padahal dorang should rasa lagi tua kot kan? belagak muda konon. Haha. So yeah.. I just had to write about this. I have no idea why, I don't write much though. I have other commitments. My life now have just started. Adult world. Working life. Not fun as it seems though. But its a new experience to me and a whole new environment. Bed time 8.30pm. Best kan? 

I'm 22 and not trying to sound old. Hey, I just made a twiderrr account. I find it more useful actually. I'm out-dated, I know. Alright. Byes. 

Tadaa!

"you particular eh about age?"

Seorang rakan yang baru aku kenali pernah tanya tentang umur dengan character. How does age reflects your character or identity. Dan setiap kali pertanyaan itu ditujukan, aku akan memberikan satu jawapan yang sama

 "age is just a number"
Memang tak dinafikan umur hanyalah nombor yang tak berikan makna atau melambangkan kematangan seseorang pun. Somewhere in 2010, aku pernah menerima facebook message from a little girl (16 tahun) yang cuba berdiskusi tentang bagaimana aku dengan teman lelakinya (teman sekolah aku dulu) boleh kenal?

I ignored the message because I wasn't that close pun dengan teman lelakinya, he was just a friend from next class masa tingkatan 5 dulu. And I think there's no use of replying or having a conversation. But the girl seems tak berapa puas hati and tulis karangan panjang lebar.

and she said..
"age is just a number, I may be 16, but I'm way older thn my age"
Tapi sumpah, I laugh my ass out. Mungkin dia bermimpi teman lelakinya curang malam tadi, and came into conclusion to message every single girl in her boyfriend's friend lists.
**

Tapi hakikatnya, does age matter? I prolly say yes at an individual level. Tapi untuk compare with the new generations yang came along, maybe no. Older people, they have more memories to talk about, tapi kalau nak dibandingkan tahap mental atau intellectual, they could not have the same level of education or common sense as younger people. The world is changing, its just the same as watching TV. Dulu cerita P.Ramlee takda colour. Semua black and White. But now, Titanic sampai kena ada 3D. It gets to a point where you don't keep up with things as easily as you used to.

Older people, their a bit stubborn, tapi tak juga dinafikan people our age ni ignorant. We think we know best than them, but this kind of people I categorize kan dalam kelompok yang tak tahu apa pun, saja nak join Bersih 2.5 ke 3.0 ke, sedangkan diri sendiri tak tahu apa yang nak di canangkan.

Stubborn is not a bad trait after all, a healthy amount of stubbornness is good because they won't get manipulated easily. Try talk about anything yang boleh trigger your grandparents, as for mine, anything about politics akan trigger dia, you'll see how they react. Sekejap saja you can sense the 'angkuh' nada in the communication. Funny.
**

The point is, age is just a number, but it's how you decide your character tu parallel dengan umur atau pun tidak. You don't want to have the clash in identity. But its also sick to see those yang terlampau muda, cuba behave like orang tua. Haiyoo..Najwa Latiff in her outfit tu is not something to argue lah, its not her fault, I think? bukan dia yang decide what to wear kan? I'm not a fan anyway. Just saying.

And to come back to the 16 year old girl tadi, I didn't behave like her when I was 16 because I was to busy playing Counter Strike with my friends. Haha.
**

I think its worth staying alive until something takes your life. On the other hand, if one day you're in the mid stages of Alzheimer's Disease you're already dead, as far as I'm concerned, because it directly takes away who you are.

My brother is 25 tomorrow, and I still can't believe his getting married end of this year.

Age is just a number, bukan? :)

Hai

As I live, I learn. I make mistakes. People say first time you do wrong is considered as a mistake you make. Tapi untuk kali ke dua, is not a mistake, its an option, a choice that you make. Ironi yang tak seberapa ironi, I've done a lot of mistakes, berulang kali tak terkira. And I believe, its still a process of learning. Ia menjengkelkan, bukan hanya pada kamu, dia atau sesiapa, tapi pada diri aku. Kadang untuk menulis in this way juga seperti berada dalam state of denial. Untuk menyedapkan diri sendiri bahawa semuanya normal, semua orang juga mempunyai fikiran yang sama.

But its also not wrong for me to write it here kan?

Mungkin dulu, I am a very well-planned person. Perfectionist mungkin. Tak ada apa yang boleh distract my plans. Dan aku set-kan priority, which not even a person or a thing yang mampu menghalang aku. Tapi we could plan, but we don't decide it to happen our way. But we could try, in a way. This year 22. in year 2012. I have come to the stage where I am very tired of everything. Last year 2011, failed me. Dan menyedarkan aku yang life aren't on your side all the time.

Sometimes I wonder, do we live depend on luck? One time, I was driving to Ampang with my friends. Dan aku sepatutnya mengambil selekoh kanan, dengan kenderaan menggila di waktu orang pulang ke pejabat, aku hanya memberi signal ke kanan, I sort of took the risk.

"Sarah, kau sebenarnya bergantung pada luck, kalau kau tak lucky, kau dah mati tau"
Bella said, when I manage to get through.

What happens, kalau betul seseorang itu bergantung pada nasib. Andaikata dia dilahirkan dengan bad luck? is there such thing anyway? pernah tak kau fikir? or..its just I was to reckless and tak sabar nak gamble jugak and crossed? but the point is, do we live depending on our luck?

You know, sometimes, I just want to say, "i don't care". I don't want to think. I just want to live life like normal people do, how do they live? Dan bukan sekadar "alah, takde apa lah, you ni paranoid lah, you ni banyak fikir lah dan bla..bla..bla.."

I don't know, anyway, the weather is really hot. Drink lotsa water, I'm reminding my self. I'm actually dehydrated already.

Btw: Don't trust my writing, it doesn't represent me sangat. sikit? mungkin? lah? kot? hehe

Ohh but you know something real? I murdered a squirrel with a Ridsect. And.. penyapu.

This blog was closed untuk sekian lama. But I was bored, this semester which I considered it to be my last, tak se-hectic yang lepas-lepas, atau mungkin belum lagi? I didn't stop blogging, I kept writing cuma di ruang yang berbeza. I created word-press yang mana aku rasa its more to 'word-stress' I really don't know how to use it. That's why I came back.

Anyway, this semester we are organizing an Islamic Carnival which will be held at Masjid Negeri Shah Alam, insyaallah kalau semua berjalan dengan lancar, it will be on the 26th to 27th May. And Ustaz Azhar Idrus will be giving some ceramah agama. Everyone are very welcome to the Carnival.

Till thn, salam.

Tribute to M.H.A

It was 4 a.m her eyes were still wide open. Tak sedap hati. It pounds faster every minute. Tidurnya serba tak kena, langsung tak lena. Setiap 5 minit dia beralih pergerakan tidur, ke kiri kemudian ke kanan. Sesekali dia bangun dan buka table lamp disebelah katilnya. Something is definitely wrong, it's like this resah feeling that make your stomach uncomfortable bukan lapar, bukan senak but this weird feeling which connects to your heart and flows to your brain. Anxiety? Mungkin.

Dia mencapai Blackberry yang berada di atas meja bersebelahan katilnya, dia tersenyum melihat seorang lelaki berkaca mata hitam segak sedang melihatnya kembali. Wajah seorang lelaki yang tak pernah berhenti membuatnya senyum setiap kali bersama.

Even though he wasn't my first love, but he's my true love. True love.

"Sayang, I can't sleep. Something is bothering me, but I don't know what is it"

"Tak ada apa tu sayang, you sambung tidur ya" balas lelaki tadi.

"I've tried so many times, my eyes wont shut"

"you baca Yassin lepastu buat solat hajat" balasnya.

**

Monday. (A week before)

Dia bersama kekasihnya dan beberapa rakan bercuti di sebuah pulau bersama. They had fun. He treated her so well. Setiap rengekannya, dibalas dengan senyuman. Sambil berjalan mereka berbalas SMS expressing how deep their love was. Reading and listening to love words made the holiday even better.

Their love were very strong that he couldn't take his eyes of her. Setiap kali mereka berjalan, he would hold her hand tight like there's no tomorrow and to let her know how safe she is with him. Tak ada apa yang lebih baik dari perasaan yang sedang mereka alami disaat itu.

"Sayang, Valentines is coming real soon" katanya,

"I don't celebrate valentines. Everyday I celebrate my love to you" balasnya.

"And I love you too".

Saying those three words were like water that flows. It never stopped. And the feeling was like the wind, you don't see it, but you feel it. They loved each other.

And the best part was..

He proposed.

**

It's been almost 3 hours he didn't replied her message. The last message was on his way to solat Jumaat. He was on his way with his friends up north. They had to take pictures for their assignments.

"I will text you back after solat sayang, I love you"

At 3.30PM she received a call from her boyfriend. Perasaan resah kembali tenang. Marah juga kerana menunggu lama. Waiting is the worst feeling ever. Hurtful.

"Hai Sayang, Where have you been? tried to call you kenapa tak jawab?"

"Maaf, saya inspektor ****, boleh saya tahu siapa yang bercakap?"

"Saya kawan kepada M.H.A"

"Cik, M.H.A baru sahaja meninggal akibat kemalangan"

**

Semua yang kau rancang, boleh hilang dalam sekelip mata. Appreciate those who you love and the one who loves you most. You'll never know what will happen tomorrow or maybe.. later.

They were meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.

Al-Fatihah to M.H.A, semoga rohnya bersama orang-orang yang beriman.